Lately, everything just seems to be jumbled in words that could never sound beautiful no matter how you phrased them. We've been on a family vacation for the last two weeks, which has been simply been driving me crazy, because when you have two perfect cousins and a family who is convinced that your the devil it makes things insane. The trip already started out with problems because my grandmother believes what my cousins gossip about me, and honestly it's just unfair. They claimed that I blocked them from being able to call me, when in reality they ignore me in the grand scheme of the world. I should also say that it's annoying that my grandmother takes my uncle's side for everything, I felt as though for all the time we were on the cruise, I was listening to my grandmother talk about how everything I do is wrong and we had to wait everywhere for my uncle and his family. I did everything wrong because I wasn't interested in being friends with my cousins because of who they are and the drama they cause. But, in this situation drama is inevitable. I tried to talk to members of my own family but, they have no interest in me, ever since my mother adopted a girl from Ukraine I'm hardly even noticed. I think my mother buys me the books I want to feel less guilty about ignoring me. But, when you spend your entire life trying to be the center of their world, to make them proud of you for more than just a moment you end up disappointed. It seems like an endless world of disappointment when you want your mother to stop being angry for one moment just to talk to you. But, then you have your grandmother who tries to talk to you but, eventually it becomes all about how your a bad child for dating this guy or wearing this. I feel as though I'm constantly being critiqued for everything you do: the way you walk, the way you talk, how your eyes are, why you're not constantly in a state of stupid happiness. It eventually just makes me feel as though I should just be far away from everyone, if I cause everything to happen. My therapist always told me that I seemed to have a negative outlook on life, when in reality I'm just a realist. I see the world for how it really is, I know who the fake friends are and who the real ones are, I know when the world is consumed with lies but to everyone else it's wrong. Sometimes I feel as though I'm in that bible story where I'm trying to please everyone but, eventually end up pleasing no one. But, it just bothers me that no one can trust me to do anything, as though I'm a child unable to handle the real world. I just wish that I could live on a mountain far away and throw my cell phone in the ocean and see who would really care to find me. At this point in my life I feel the shackles of my parents pulling me back when I was meant to be free, as though I'm a caged animal just shown to be mocked at by others. Somedays I just want to scream, "YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME AND YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT US!!" It just drives me crazy that they think they know exactly how I should live but, any other way of life is wrong. When I leave in the fall I want to explore the world, I want to see as much as I can but, that seems wrong too. When your desperate for an escape from everyone who do you turn to? Do you turn to yourself and question everything? Or do you fight back? I choose to fight back, because I'm a beautifully broken girl.
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