Welcome back, it has been forever since I have written anything that truly exposed my life. I'm starting out 2016 with the truth and allowing myself to write even the words that pain me. This story starts in early 2015, when things between me and Tyler couldn't have been worse. I spent my time wishing things would return to the way they were, when were happy and in love, when that exhilarating feeling of being in love would rush through me. But, he started taking more shifts at work and spending every ounce of free time on his car. I spoke to him maybe once a day and felt lucky to even get to hear his voice for a minute. He would usually tell me he was "busy" or working on his car, I fell second place to something that wasn't even alive. I was second place to a car, but still I tried to hold on to what I once felt, I wanted to hold onto those moments when nothing in the world seemed to matter. I still remember we got into a fight while I was writing a "reasons why I love you" book for Valentine's Day. My tears spilled down my face, but I didn't want it to be over, I didn't want to face the end, I wanted to keep the boy I fell in love with. I tried multiple times over the phone to end it, but I felt so weak without him, who would love me like he did? Who would be with me through everything; the one person I loved cared more about his car then he seemed to care about me. I would cry to my guy best friend, James, who had recently gone through a breakup himself when he found out his girlfriend of 5 years cheated on him. I knew the pain he felt, the pain of giving every part of yourself to someone, all your time, money, and love. I felt that we were in a similar situation, and one day when I was going to tutoring I decided to just text Tyler and end it. I couldn't take his long hours of working and never seeing him, I couldn't take him putting his car above me. I know ending a relationship over text message is cruel, but at that moment I didn't want to hear how he was trying to save our relationship. I didn't want to hear all the reasons that I was wrong, I wanted to pull my heart out of my chest and just let it all go. He tried to fight me, but at that point I was done, the pain and anguish I felt was stronger than ever and I just wanted to be on my own. Days after I felt numb, I walked around like a zombie, unsure of how to really act. Unsure of what to do. I got texts and calls from Tyler crying and being beyond upset. But, I was cold and calculated because I didn't want to feel the pain that surrounded me when I was with him, I didn't want to be second best. I wanted to be his number one just like he was to me. My friend James and I started talking more and more, I would often cry endlessly on the phone, feeling the crushing words of my other friends saying that Tyler didn't deserve me and that our relationship was worse than ever, they all just felt like bullets in my chest, one after another. What Tyler never really understand was that I never wanted to leave, I never wanted it to end that way. But what could I do? I didn't want to spend every night crying. We spoke twice after we broke up in those first few days, where I explained why I was so unhappy, why I felt that were past the point of saving, trying to ease my broken heart. I most of the time fell into tears. The second phone call I eventually learned he had met another girl just two weeks after we broke up, two weeks and he had already slept with someone else. I don't think my world could have come crushing down any faster than hearing those words, I almost immediately hung up the call and called James in tears. Wondering what I had done, wondering if I hadn't been good enough, wondering whether I was to blame. He sent me desperate messages for weeks, but I kept trying to tell myself that I was better off, that he hadn't truly loved me if he had then he would have been there, he would have made time. But I mostly felt that I shouldn't have to beg for his attention.
I began talking to James more and more, because we could talk for hours, I didn't have to think about a thing in the world, he knew what I was going through because he put in just the same amount of love for his now ex-girlfriend. I just wanted to stop feeling like a zombie, I wanted to stop feeling like I was walking around empty. Eventually, we started dating. I wasn't a hundred percent sure of my decision, I wasn't sure how it was going to be. But, I wanted to stop feeling my aching heart breaking over and over in my chest. I have to admit dating your best friend for years was more than awkward. We went to a concert in New York City together, and for once I didn't feel pressured, I didn't feel like I was second best. I felt attractive and wild, a side of me that had felt hidden for so long. We laughed so hard, I nearly fell over. We kissed for the first time on the bus ride and to say it was awkward was an understatement everything felt so rushed, especially a week earlier when we went to a movie and he put his arm around me, it didn't feel right but, I didn't want to give up on the chance to be with someone who made me feel special. So I told him that I didn't feel comfortable when he wrapped his arm around me then and there, so when we sat there waiting for the concert we kissed multiple times. I never felt the pressure, to me it felt strange but, I wanted to explore something different. We ending up spending more and more time together, I met more of his friends and we could talk for hours and hours on end, to the point I was losing sleep. But despite this, I never felt emotionally connected, the spark didn't seem like it was between us. Nothing felt as natural as it did with Tyler, so I found dumb reasons to call him, because a large part of me still ached for him. I wanted him to just know that all I wanted was attention to know that he found me beautiful. Eventually, the path and James and I went down was darker than I ever even imagined, we slept together twice. I think it was the hormones and the desire to just know what it was like, to try and escape the heartbreak we were both feeling. I cannot exactly describe, as it is much too personal what happened, but suddenly the second time just happened without me having a chance to say yes or no. In that moment I wasn't sure what to do, so I just went along with it I just let happen. I never thought about it being rape, but more as an area of gray. But a week after my friend made me realize I hadn't been "asking for it" that, that moment felt uncomfortable for a reason, a huge blowout ensued I never took him to court. How could I? He was my best friend, and still to this day I never believed he did it on purpose. After that moment all of his lies came out, almost all the things he told me had been lies and my trust in him came crumbling down, I questioned how he could have done this to me. Why would he betray the one person he considered his best friend and at the moment, his girlfriend? I soon found myself in a difficult position between James and Tyler, and I am going to say before I type these words I am not proud of everything I did, but I am telling the honest truth. I slept with Tyler at the around the same time I slept with James. I never felt the raw emotional connection that I had with Tyler with James. For a moment, I really saw myself with Tyler again, he broke up with his girlfriend and expressed his happiness. I told James what had happened and he was crushed, but I felt I at least owed it to him to tell him the truth. But in that same instance everything that I felt with Tyler all came rushing back, I didn't want to be hurt all over again, I was afraid he would break my heart again, and that one fact that he had slept with someone else only weeks after we had broken up came flooding to the surface. I couldn't bear it, I felt as though his promises were empty and I would just be coming back to what I had left. I was caught between my heart and my head, I wanted to pick James because of his good job and seemingly good personality at the time and I wanted to pick Tyler because of how I never felt closer to knowing what true magic felt like. I couldn't even bring myself to erase every memory we had together, every picture made me want to cry out, I couldn't bear it anymore. In the moment, I told them both how I felt that I couldn't trust James after finding out everything that I thought was the truth was a lie, and I was too afraid of allowing myself to feel that hurt and pain again with Tyler. But in my heart I knew the answer, that I never stopped loving Tyler. My heart had never truly stopped wishing that he was mine again. Even despite James wining and dining me like I wished my entire relationship Tyler and I would have done more often, it never truly felt like home. With Tyler everything felt like it was never really real, it all felt like a dream. In the beginning I would sometimes just call to make sure I wasn't deluding myself into believing him into existence. Months later James and I stopped being friends all together. I couldn't stand to face the area of gray and all the lies he told me, his anger and mine built a giant wall that all of my anger and distrust fell into. I still wanted Tyler, but with the same girl once again he told me he didn't want me anymore. At that moment I felt the air around me grow non-existent, I spent the entire day in solemnity. I just wish Tyler knew that all I wanted to feel was appreciated and loved, I wanted him to know I tried. I tried to be the best version of myself. But I was never sure if I was good enough, every moment until the near end I was always trying to be the best of myself. We found each other once again, but still the issues hung in the air above us, the distrust and hurt. I wanted the pain to disappear, I wanted us to become the people we once were, months after this he expressed his unhappiness. I suppose I couldn't blame him after losing my close friends and finding out that the one who had still talked to me lied to me constantly and hurt me beyond belief, I turned into a mess of a person. My life seemed to come crashing down around me, my parents expectations and verbal abuse became worse and worse, I felt more alone than ever. Being stressed out over school nearly every day and trying to be the perfect daughter, without mourning my loss became the hardest trying period. He claimed I acted like an adult, not wanting to go out and party, the truth being that with all the expectations I never felt like I had time to be my age, when everyone expected me to be the best that I could be, I was crushed under the expectations. I went into that zombie state I was in right after me and Tyler had separated. I didn't have any friends to turn to except Tyler, and in this moment, I didn't feel good enough. I was trying to bury my pain and just be all-business and it caught up with me. My eyes permanently had bags underneath them and my mind never seemed to stop running. He said I was "unattractive" that was the biggest blow, it felt like getting smacked in the face over and over, I knew I had gained weight back by eating my pains away. But, it also brought up why I felt so unloved in the first place, I just felt that it was all my fault. It was my fault that he was nearly ready to leave me, it was my fault that he didn't want me anymore. But still I wanted to hold onto our relationship, I want it more than anything. He made me felt like Augustus Waters made Hazel Grace feel, like dreams really could make you soar through the sky and true love wasn't just a dream. But, still were disconnected, I want to be the girl he wants, I feel that same way I did, because I still believe that it's not just a dream.
I began talking to James more and more, because we could talk for hours, I didn't have to think about a thing in the world, he knew what I was going through because he put in just the same amount of love for his now ex-girlfriend. I just wanted to stop feeling like a zombie, I wanted to stop feeling like I was walking around empty. Eventually, we started dating. I wasn't a hundred percent sure of my decision, I wasn't sure how it was going to be. But, I wanted to stop feeling my aching heart breaking over and over in my chest. I have to admit dating your best friend for years was more than awkward. We went to a concert in New York City together, and for once I didn't feel pressured, I didn't feel like I was second best. I felt attractive and wild, a side of me that had felt hidden for so long. We laughed so hard, I nearly fell over. We kissed for the first time on the bus ride and to say it was awkward was an understatement everything felt so rushed, especially a week earlier when we went to a movie and he put his arm around me, it didn't feel right but, I didn't want to give up on the chance to be with someone who made me feel special. So I told him that I didn't feel comfortable when he wrapped his arm around me then and there, so when we sat there waiting for the concert we kissed multiple times. I never felt the pressure, to me it felt strange but, I wanted to explore something different. We ending up spending more and more time together, I met more of his friends and we could talk for hours and hours on end, to the point I was losing sleep. But despite this, I never felt emotionally connected, the spark didn't seem like it was between us. Nothing felt as natural as it did with Tyler, so I found dumb reasons to call him, because a large part of me still ached for him. I wanted him to just know that all I wanted was attention to know that he found me beautiful. Eventually, the path and James and I went down was darker than I ever even imagined, we slept together twice. I think it was the hormones and the desire to just know what it was like, to try and escape the heartbreak we were both feeling. I cannot exactly describe, as it is much too personal what happened, but suddenly the second time just happened without me having a chance to say yes or no. In that moment I wasn't sure what to do, so I just went along with it I just let happen. I never thought about it being rape, but more as an area of gray. But a week after my friend made me realize I hadn't been "asking for it" that, that moment felt uncomfortable for a reason, a huge blowout ensued I never took him to court. How could I? He was my best friend, and still to this day I never believed he did it on purpose. After that moment all of his lies came out, almost all the things he told me had been lies and my trust in him came crumbling down, I questioned how he could have done this to me. Why would he betray the one person he considered his best friend and at the moment, his girlfriend? I soon found myself in a difficult position between James and Tyler, and I am going to say before I type these words I am not proud of everything I did, but I am telling the honest truth. I slept with Tyler at the around the same time I slept with James. I never felt the raw emotional connection that I had with Tyler with James. For a moment, I really saw myself with Tyler again, he broke up with his girlfriend and expressed his happiness. I told James what had happened and he was crushed, but I felt I at least owed it to him to tell him the truth. But in that same instance everything that I felt with Tyler all came rushing back, I didn't want to be hurt all over again, I was afraid he would break my heart again, and that one fact that he had slept with someone else only weeks after we had broken up came flooding to the surface. I couldn't bear it, I felt as though his promises were empty and I would just be coming back to what I had left. I was caught between my heart and my head, I wanted to pick James because of his good job and seemingly good personality at the time and I wanted to pick Tyler because of how I never felt closer to knowing what true magic felt like. I couldn't even bring myself to erase every memory we had together, every picture made me want to cry out, I couldn't bear it anymore. In the moment, I told them both how I felt that I couldn't trust James after finding out everything that I thought was the truth was a lie, and I was too afraid of allowing myself to feel that hurt and pain again with Tyler. But in my heart I knew the answer, that I never stopped loving Tyler. My heart had never truly stopped wishing that he was mine again. Even despite James wining and dining me like I wished my entire relationship Tyler and I would have done more often, it never truly felt like home. With Tyler everything felt like it was never really real, it all felt like a dream. In the beginning I would sometimes just call to make sure I wasn't deluding myself into believing him into existence. Months later James and I stopped being friends all together. I couldn't stand to face the area of gray and all the lies he told me, his anger and mine built a giant wall that all of my anger and distrust fell into. I still wanted Tyler, but with the same girl once again he told me he didn't want me anymore. At that moment I felt the air around me grow non-existent, I spent the entire day in solemnity. I just wish Tyler knew that all I wanted to feel was appreciated and loved, I wanted him to know I tried. I tried to be the best version of myself. But I was never sure if I was good enough, every moment until the near end I was always trying to be the best of myself. We found each other once again, but still the issues hung in the air above us, the distrust and hurt. I wanted the pain to disappear, I wanted us to become the people we once were, months after this he expressed his unhappiness. I suppose I couldn't blame him after losing my close friends and finding out that the one who had still talked to me lied to me constantly and hurt me beyond belief, I turned into a mess of a person. My life seemed to come crashing down around me, my parents expectations and verbal abuse became worse and worse, I felt more alone than ever. Being stressed out over school nearly every day and trying to be the perfect daughter, without mourning my loss became the hardest trying period. He claimed I acted like an adult, not wanting to go out and party, the truth being that with all the expectations I never felt like I had time to be my age, when everyone expected me to be the best that I could be, I was crushed under the expectations. I went into that zombie state I was in right after me and Tyler had separated. I didn't have any friends to turn to except Tyler, and in this moment, I didn't feel good enough. I was trying to bury my pain and just be all-business and it caught up with me. My eyes permanently had bags underneath them and my mind never seemed to stop running. He said I was "unattractive" that was the biggest blow, it felt like getting smacked in the face over and over, I knew I had gained weight back by eating my pains away. But, it also brought up why I felt so unloved in the first place, I just felt that it was all my fault. It was my fault that he was nearly ready to leave me, it was my fault that he didn't want me anymore. But still I wanted to hold onto our relationship, I want it more than anything. He made me felt like Augustus Waters made Hazel Grace feel, like dreams really could make you soar through the sky and true love wasn't just a dream. But, still were disconnected, I want to be the girl he wants, I feel that same way I did, because I still believe that it's not just a dream.
Comments
Post a Comment