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Need you Now


"And I wonder if I ever cross your mind. For me it happens all the time." How true this statement is, I need help because I've lost my way, I need to find it again. It's finals soon so I'm freaking out, I can't believe how many blogs it's been since I started high school, crazy. I've been overly stressed out lately with dance recitals to simple things. I wish I knew the answers to life, with Walter everything has been confusing I simply today didn't even have the courage to say anything to him, because what could I say? The words have run slim, what will happens to life after you? He wouldn't even know it he's taught me to be strong because I am weak but, he's taught me so many things I use to copy him but I've learned to be myself no matter how crazy. If I could say the words that've ran across my mind, I would walk up to him and ask him to just listen and her are my words "Walter I can't say how much I'm sorry for what I've done I've broke myself and you, and you need to understand sometimes I say things that are completely inaccurate not because I want to hurt anyone else but because I'm torn apart myself, all I want to be is friends." As I've quoted to my friends I know you should read this "I know that's what makes me think so highly of him because he cares. unlike other guys but why has he been dissing me off? I just want to be friends you know? To be able to tell him anything like I use to, to be able to send him a text and he'll actually answer and not make me feel worse about myself 'cauz every time I see him I feel in the pit of my stomach the pain and suffering he had no idea. I want to joke around turn the clock back on what I said because I broke myself and him." That's all I gotta say because this is what has been on my mind and it hurts me even more to know that I've been in this depression way to long. Feeling like every time I feel good for two seconds, after it's over I sink right back down. Dear gosh help me. For all of my friends I've realized how much I am gone, i can't be the real me because I'm afraid truth to be told, I'm afraid of everyone. It's because in the lineage of my family it's called being macho your not allowed to cry because then you're weak and it becomes a big production. As I grew up it grows on you, like a wildfire you begin to realize your not at all what anyone thinks you are blow everything off like you couldn't care less, when your shattered. 
"Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I will never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing"

When you're alone you're forced to think for yourself no one to depend on.
I'm a person we are shattered and broken we are alive because we all
have our dirty little secrets
and our problem but in the end we learn to figure out how to fix
them however the problems we can't find the
answers to have been right there in front of us. When I look in the
mirror I see the same person
I always have boring and dull however waking up to reality I look even worse
because of my actions, all I'm saying is that we are people
we make mistakes we screw-up it's natural, however that doesn't mean we
shouldn't help it if we can. Because when you hurt anyone it will
be on your mind because it was you who caused it, and you have to 'fess up
and say you did it.
So in the end all I need to say is to forgive because people aren't always
trying to be hurtful or cruel they are trying to protect themselves,
building walls form the torment.

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