This morning was a morning filled with solitude, which made me forget how good it feels to be the only one awake. I had a driving lesson this morning, which was truly dull however, Mr. X complained to me this morning as usual. Which honestly has put a damper on my attitude this morning. My fairytale has ended once again and I'm left in the cold. My latest ex broke up with me 3 days before Christmas, which made for a very sad Christmas full of anger and desire. Even though it sounds crazy I still want him back, because after Christmas I drove up to his house to give him back his sweatshirt and we talked everything out. But, even after that I finally realized that I wanted him back more than anything. I had been "messing around" with another guy, however its not 'cauz I wanted to its because I wanted to feel for just a moment no pain. I know its not the best thing to do but, when my boyfriend left I didn't think that I couldn't go on. Now, I broke it off with the guy I was messing around with 'cauz every time he touched me and kissed me all I felt was my ex boyfriend's touch and now I realize how much I wish he would come back to me. I'm gonna call him and confess to everything, I'm going to confess how much being without him is torture and how being just "friends" is killing me inside. He believes that my friends will help me through it and I know they're trying however, my heart still yearns for him when I sleep. He is the one guy, that I feel something I've never felt before in my life, love. Its not obsession like I had with Walter, its not just pleasure, its the true feeling that you can trust that person with your life-- everything emotionally and physically, I may be only sixteen but, I truly believe that he was the one I was meant to be with. I believe that we will be together someday if we were truly meant to be, if not then it wasn't true love. However, the pain that lives inside of me consumes me, I feel empty and alone as if he had just been apart of my imagination and never truly real. Every memory passes through me, from the first excitement of when he first told me he loved me to when I fell asleep against him. Honestly as much as I try and forget him, the truth reveals that their is no one in this world I could ever truly love more. Calling him just now pretty much saying how much I miss him makes me feel a little better, however it also brought back the pain of losing him. Truly I would do anything to get him back, when I hear his voice it brings back everything- every emotion, every touch, every kiss. All the feelings that have been repressed rush back to the surface. I want to close my eyes just so I can escape the pain, however there is no way to escape it. I still wonder if he even thinks about me or am I just a long forgotten memory? Did he forget about me? I wish I knew.
Comments
Post a Comment