Finding Myself

So, my grandmother was right that I'd have an epiphany in the middle of the night. I just can't will myself to sleep so here I sit on my laptop typing away at one in the morning. It actually clears my head, allowing me to say everything that has been running through my mind. One of my exs this week proclaimed he still had feelings for me however, when I denied any type of physical relationship he seemed upset, but I knew better.... or did I? When his lips touched mine its as if the whole world seemed to disappear and all the things that he said disappeared and I entered a whole new world entirely. So, as my mind begins to flood with what to do with the situation the next morning all my questions come to a halt he sends me a text message starting out by saying he's sorry but, he can't be with me because I am, "an enemy to most of the school". I respond simply by stating, "good." Which I meant to the fullest extent it helps me weed out the people who are really going to be there for me and love me because I am myself and who are just going to leave. The Jose wound was ripped right open tonight, and I've let myself bleed a bit; the wounds are still great but, it felt good to say the truth. I spoke with my friend, James, who in all honesty has become much like an older brother to me and told him the truth about everything and faced the cold reality. My Jose wound will exist for a while, that I am sure of but, I will stand on my feet again. I am just torn, my wounds are open and they sting but, with time my wounds will heal. Also, I've made another decision I'm taking myself off the market for a while, I'm staying away from relationships... or any hopes of them because, usually that causes my downfall and starts all my problems. But, back to Jose I don't know what I'm going to say when I have to see him in a month, I wonder to myself if his anger will dissipate. Telling James the side of the story including Lucas has really opened my eyes to reveal how I simply acted much like a clueless child not really like myself, completely wreakless. As time goes on, I think he will forget me and although its not the ending I pictured in my head, they say everything happens for a reason, but I do admit I question the reasoning. Maybe to truly force myself to look at who I've become, cold and bitter. To tell you the truth I don't remember when I became cold and bitter, I don't even think I really realized when I changed from the quiet, shy girl to the tom boy who is wreakless about most decisions. It seems as though I never had a say in the choice as if it simply happened without me knowing. But, I shall try to change who I am; they never said it was going to be easy but, I believe that if I truly work hard and change my attitude I could be so much more than what I've settled for. Its as if after finally waiting nearly an eternity I finally learned how to turn into a butterfly, I take a look at myself and take a look around me and realize I can't even recognize myself I want to be that little girl who once stood before me who had all the innocence in the world and all the dreams one could hope for. It feels as though all those dreams have disappeared, as if time caused all of my dreams to fade. But, here I stand letting my dreams flow like wind through my fingers. And I haven't decided what to do about one of my exs, I mean I have feelings for them but, I'm more afraid about what society would say about it and my mother. Because, our feelings for each other are mixed, I care for them but, its just utterly empty. I think for a while I'm going to withdraw from trying to find a soul mater, as the saying goes you end up finding someone when you weren't looking. Its going to take a lot of time and healing to find myself again, but I believe I can do it. Its going to be like healing from Walter, it took time but, eventually I found a way out. Jose, is just another challenge to conquer; things in a month will be different I can't waste all of my life trying to change what happened in the past, all I can do is move forward. I sent him a letter and many of my exs and friends, it felt good to write out the truth exactly how I felt it without having to stumble over words or dance around the subject. For the first time in months I've let tears fall from my eyes, I think all this time I've been holding onto the past and once I'm hurt again I feel all the pain from the past and the present which causes me to die inside. Its time to let go of all that, but I feel a sense of fear as if I'm afraid to let go of what I really don't have, the memories will remain but, the pain will heal that I do believe. He was just a beautiful disaster, but there remains this nagging feeling tugging at my heart strings, still begging me to play his sweet melody, but there is no more music to play. In other news, the summer is coming to a closure, which most kids are disappointed to return to school but, me on the other hand cannot be more relieved because, I can actually do something during the day rather than just simply stare at the window waiting for something to happen, its been a pretty dull summer consisting of a boring pattern of going to work and returning home to an empty life. Music is the only thing that truly makes the day less painful, as the hours count down slowly towards the end of the day. But, for now it seems clear what I have to do, I have to keep going on there is no time to waste in the past but, I must remember who I want to be and who I have been. Sometimes I think to myself that God wants me to become the person that I need to be before I find a person who loves me for my imperfections. As my aunt always says I need to embrace my imperfections before someone else can love me, so I must make peace with myself. I never actually thought how much I needed to write, there is so much I needed to say. But, the next few weeks are going to be a struggle but, I can do it. I'm going out to find myself, even if it takes the rest of my life because, that's something worth fighting for.