Skip to main content

A Desert of A Rainstorm


So, here I am typing this at work when I probably should be studying but, I can't seem to get Monday off my mind that and that the SAT on Saturday is going to kill me. On Monday everything seemed to take a weird spiral making this week really strange. On Monday everything that was wrong seemed to happen, its all very abnormal. One of my friends got a new boyfriend, a couple of weeks ago and I'm like great another girl with a boyfriend to be all sappy with fabulous. So, as she tells us about him I realize he's in a band, now my interest has been caught; because secretly I've always wanted to date a guitarist. So, I tell my friend this and she tells her boyfriend, so he says that he'll find someone. So, thats how it all started. Her boyfriend did find someone, Nate. So, of course my friend and I look him up on facebook and I start to find myself starting to like him, we eventually start talking through facebook messaging and it moves on from there. He said we should hang out sometime and I'm like sure why not? I know it seems odd considering i hardly knew him however, I wanted to know what he was like. So, on friday I had the worst case of insomnia on Friday night thinking he was coming the next day. On Saturday I spent the morning shopping with my friend for the party on Monday, then I went home and waited for Nate to tell me when to meet up he said tomorrow so the next day I went to the place we were suppose to meet around 12, and waited in the 90 degree heat. I wasted most of the day waiting for him so it was a complete let down. On Monday I attempted to convince myself not to see him, however came to no avail. We were texting and he said that he didn't want to meet up because he barely knew me, and at this point I was downright pissed. Because he had wasted most of my weekend. But, I must have guilted him because later that day he came back and we both met up that night. He got one of his friends to drive to me and at first we were talking and I began to find out what Nat was like, he had black curly hair with a blonde streak in center that hung into his forehead his hair lay messily. We walked into the illuminated ally behind the shopping complex because, honestly I didn't want to share him. So, honestly if you're reading this I'm sure you can assume what happened, I planted my lips on his and we kissed more than once to tell the truth. The next day he told me he regretted it so that definitely put a nail through the coffin. To top it all off one of my best friends hates him, so its simply just a roller coaster ride. It seems that everything I want is always just too far away. You know when I think about it I don't regret it, but I'm on the verge of believing he wishes it never happened. If I had my choice I wish I could be his girl and break down the wall he makes around himself and help him. Because, I know what its like to be afraid and guarded but, honestly I think he'll deny me a couple more times before he decides what he wants. But, hey I am sticking around for a bit. Yesterday made this week completely bizarre, a guy three years older than me requested me and I accepted without thinking about it because I thought it was someone I knew, turns out its not. But, the weird part is that he thinks I'm cute so that defiently put an unusual twist on it all. He seemed really nice, although I do feel bad that he has cancer. So, I am watching my steps around him but, honestly I have to admit I probably did the same thing to Nate, I've just never had it the other way around. Also the SAT is Saturday so that, makes this week all the more stressful including finals and what not. I want to do well on the SAT its just that every time I look at the pages of it, I freak out. That one test determines the rest of my life is the more frightening thought rather than its a test that always seems to come to quickly. So, up to this point yeah, this is what my life has been like not including daily fights with Mr. X and my mother. Its as though my life never seems to be enough everything else in the world simply has to crumble. My crumbling kingdom of life. I wish that for just a while the world would slant my way, but I don't think it ever will its just that the struggle seems like waiting for it to rain in the desert. Waiting for a rain that's going to win nothing nor give anything. Sometimes I just want to wish it all away and hope for a world filled with promise not just regret, my own desert of unforgiving and forgotten dreams.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Wind Runner

Well, I'm up to about 3 posts in one day. I ran away a little while ago. But, I came back like I always do. Because, wherever I go they will find me and bring me back to where I started right here (in my house) I'll be writing most of the night anyway. It's about midnight here in NY. So, yup. Well, this is how the whole running away thing got started. I had been merely on the computer watching 'Picture This' on youtube. A simple evening for me, but then I hear my step-dad (ok, ewww I cannot say that word he should never have the word 'dad' in that title or whatever. I never liked him and never will. So I'll call him Mr. X.) Mr. X had called me over to the computer to sign into my itunes account because they had gotten a bill saying that itunes was used up to 60 dollars. Anyway, how that had actually happened was an accident, you see I had a graduation party for graduating middle school. So I had wanted an itunes card and, I would pay Mr. X back. So I ma...
Post a Comment
Read more

Accepted

College. The words that determine the rest of your life. The words that run across your mind once you graduate high school. The words that make you think of parties and four more years of exams. However, this is the chance when you get to choose how you spend your days, what you learn right? At least that's the look I see on many freshman when they come to college, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed jumping at the opportunity to take a reign on their lives or you have those who are excited for the four years of partying that comes ahead, and finally you have those students who come in trailing behind their parent waiting for the tour to be over usually listening to music. These three type of students however, all fall into the same muddling and confusing first year of college, where all three take the same meaningless courses and after the year is over worry about what is next. This is the point where the education system comes in and molds you. In college, the choice is everything. ...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Freedom-less

Dreaming of Freedom      Well, here I am in physics class wanting to do nothing more than write, type all the thoughts that flow through my spirit and spill them on to these pages. Reveal all the secrets that I keep hidden in my heart. Well, my mother discovered that Tyler and I made love and is punishing me because of it. Forcing us to be unable to see each other, pay for tutoring, and be constantly tracked. I feel like I'm a deer trying to run from the hunter. And as the days go by I feel as though I'm slowly loosing my mind, I'm on complete lock down where the only things I can do are go to doctor's offices, work, school, and home. Its completely torturous, to the point where I've almost given up all hope completely and we almost broke up. But, through it all I know that even though the situation is difficult I will be twenty times as miserable if we weren't together. My mother has decided that I'm unfit to live life, because I love someone everything...
Post a Comment
Read more