So, here I am typing this at work when I probably should be studying but, I can't seem to get Monday off my mind that and that the SAT on Saturday is going to kill me. On Monday everything seemed to take a weird spiral making this week really strange. On Monday everything that was wrong seemed to happen, its all very abnormal. One of my friends got a new boyfriend, a couple of weeks ago and I'm like great another girl with a boyfriend to be all sappy with fabulous. So, as she tells us about him I realize he's in a band, now my interest has been caught; because secretly I've always wanted to date a guitarist. So, I tell my friend this and she tells her boyfriend, so he says that he'll find someone. So, thats how it all started. Her boyfriend did find someone, Nate. So, of course my friend and I look him up on facebook and I start to find myself starting to like him, we eventually start talking through facebook messaging and it moves on from there. He said we should hang out sometime and I'm like sure why not? I know it seems odd considering i hardly knew him however, I wanted to know what he was like. So, on friday I had the worst case of insomnia on Friday night thinking he was coming the next day. On Saturday I spent the morning shopping with my friend for the party on Monday, then I went home and waited for Nate to tell me when to meet up he said tomorrow so the next day I went to the place we were suppose to meet around 12, and waited in the 90 degree heat. I wasted most of the day waiting for him so it was a complete let down. On Monday I attempted to convince myself not to see him, however came to no avail. We were texting and he said that he didn't want to meet up because he barely knew me, and at this point I was downright pissed. Because he had wasted most of my weekend. But, I must have guilted him because later that day he came back and we both met up that night. He got one of his friends to drive to me and at first we were talking and I began to find out what Nat was like, he had black curly hair with a blonde streak in center that hung into his forehead his hair lay messily. We walked into the illuminated ally behind the shopping complex because, honestly I didn't want to share him. So, honestly if you're reading this I'm sure you can assume what happened, I planted my lips on his and we kissed more than once to tell the truth. The next day he told me he regretted it so that definitely put a nail through the coffin. To top it all off one of my best friends hates him, so its simply just a roller coaster ride. It seems that everything I want is always just too far away. You know when I think about it I don't regret it, but I'm on the verge of believing he wishes it never happened. If I had my choice I wish I could be his girl and break down the wall he makes around himself and help him. Because, I know what its like to be afraid and guarded but, honestly I think he'll deny me a couple more times before he decides what he wants. But, hey I am sticking around for a bit. Yesterday made this week completely bizarre, a guy three years older than me requested me and I accepted without thinking about it because I thought it was someone I knew, turns out its not. But, the weird part is that he thinks I'm cute so that defiently put an unusual twist on it all. He seemed really nice, although I do feel bad that he has cancer. So, I am watching my steps around him but, honestly I have to admit I probably did the same thing to Nate, I've just never had it the other way around. Also the SAT is Saturday so that, makes this week all the more stressful including finals and what not. I want to do well on the SAT its just that every time I look at the pages of it, I freak out. That one test determines the rest of my life is the more frightening thought rather than its a test that always seems to come to quickly. So, up to this point yeah, this is what my life has been like not including daily fights with Mr. X and my mother. Its as though my life never seems to be enough everything else in the world simply has to crumble. My crumbling kingdom of life. I wish that for just a while the world would slant my way, but I don't think it ever will its just that the struggle seems like waiting for it to rain in the desert. Waiting for a rain that's going to win nothing nor give anything. Sometimes I just want to wish it all away and hope for a world filled with promise not just regret, my own desert of unforgiving and forgotten dreams.
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