Today, I swear was the worst day of my life. If you read from the older blogs I always talked about Walter. I still do. I know, its really unhealthy and everything but, at the same time its not that easy to give him up. Today he skipped AP Spanish and came to my gym class, seeing him there felt like a bullet to my heart. Its pure torture, to see him, every time I look at him all I feel is more alone. Every time he ignores me, its another stab at my heart, another shatter of my glass figurine heart. Every stare sends shivers down my spin, reminding me of all the torture I put him through. Its been two years since it all happened, and he still hasn't forgiven me. Not that I deserve it, the things I did I'm not proud of, thats no secret. But its been two years, your name is tattooed across my heart and it is breaking it to pieces. What's worse is that everyone who doesn't like me, loves him, go figure. Every time I think that I've evaded him, there he is! Like a ghost of my past that hangs over me, my friends don't understand why I'm so hung up on him. All I want to say to them is, "the reason I'm so hung up on him is because I love him." Dramatic for a sixteen year old, probably. But at least its the truth. If all this drama isn't enough, I have family problems, joy. My step... (ugh, I can't even say it because its not even close an accurate term), Mr. X makes my life hell every single day, with his obnoxious comments and his unnecessary taunting and my never ending list of chores; it seems like I am in permanent darkness. My mother, isn't any better she doesn't even care about me at all, all she ever does is complain about what she wants me to do or be, and constantly yells at me claiming that everything under the sun is my fault. Not a day goes by without a fight, any it always amuses me that I'm apparently the the problem. I wonder to myself when my mom will see that I was right about Mr. X all along, probably never she's fallen completely under his spell. If you thought that was nothing, it gets better yesterday in my history class (my favorite class, usually) we discussed the first amendment of the Bill of Rights, the freedom to practice religion. My teacher discussed an article about a woman who was banned from riding a roller coaster at Rye Playland, because of her headdress. He said the word, "disorderly conduct" my mind suddenly began to flow, to what happened a couple of months when my mother sued my father for failure to pay child support, so they went to his house and forced him to remove his things from his car and towed his car away ("them" being the court people, or whoever) and all I heard ringing through my mind was the words dad told me over the phone, "don't make me look like the bad guy, I love my kid and it kills me how I only get to see her every couple of months." My father described the scene as 4 cops and this woman from the court, and she said to him don't make me arrest you for disorderly conduct. As my teacher continued to ramble on that image remained in my mind. I turned my head to the side as if trying to hide from the truth, most kids would have cried or asked to leave the room, but I couldn't do either, what coward would I have been if I left the room crying, also as my dad's side influenced me to never cry. Crying, I assumed they believed was weakness in their eyes, so I can't bring myself to cry because of who I was created to be. Most of the time however, I spend day dreaming about what my life would be like if the fantasies in my head became reality. If I were a skinny brunette, with all the confidence in the world able to be a country girl riding bareback, a rocker in a band, or the daughter of the mofia- as in a graffitied bus made by me and my gang of friends that we were amazing at krumping and also a band (with me as lead singer). So as you get the picture, I have thought about it a lot, lol. But, I use this to feel better, and not like I'm the scum of the Earth as everyone treats me. Well, time to eat, thanks for reading!
-Liki
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