Believe In Time

As I wake up alone I find that neither the cool air flowing through the window, or the fan blowing at a gentle hum could comfort me. I am here alone; I attempt to read my book while in bed but, find myself engulfed with the somberness of the day. The papers that rest next to my desk are quickly flapping to the breeze, as if waiting to be blown away. The posters on the wall portraying happy celebrities only seem to personify the emptiness. My legs grow goose-flesh as I shiver, I reach for the telephone only to find it seems more chill than the breeze around me. My fingers stroke the keys desperate to make someone understand the torment of waking up with nothing, as if reality has disappeared through my fingers. And yet, I cannot seem to make myself leave the bed, that fills me with loneliness. The week will once again begin anew and yet here in the South the trees have not embraced their fall colors, and seem to be resisting the change from summer to fall. However, the wind seems all to...

So, today on my mind is how much I feel neglected. I feel as though my love forgot all about me. It's always not now, I'm busy, or I'm tired. It doesn't feel like it use to anymore. It makes me wonder if our love is still genuine. Is it still what it once was? Is it just because he's "busy" or am I simply being a fool by staying around waiting for it to change. I wake up today and realize I'm not the same girl I was yesterday, I wasn't the same girl I once was. I've loved, I've lost. I've done the unthinkable and rose up once again. I've been a teenager who yearned to hold onto her childhood, now I'm an adult thrust into the world which has filled me with emptiness and despair. I've held onto my love for him but is it time to let it go, leave it to the wind? This question keeps me up at night and makes me wonder if it should be left to the darkness of those nights long forgotten. As I watch the rain fall through my window pa...

It's only been a day so maybe it's a little to early to start making judgements, but I have to write down what I'm thinking. My roommate is a complete goody-goody, she pretty much has never done a bad thing in her life and follows all the rules. Just looking at her makes me think of me, what I'd be if I followed all the rules and did what everyone told me. And it scares me. I mean breaking the rules and going crazy, is just the way of life I feel- everyone lies, everyone makes mistakes but we should live while we have the chance. I mean seriously what kind of person doesn't live a little? Most people are holed up in their dorms playing on their xboxes, and the rest are moving in today. Most of today has been sitting in my room wondering what I should do the rest of the day. I thought college would be little more than this, classes start in a week. So hopefully better news is soon to come, hopefully the winds change blow away this storm. 

      Well, another gloomy day consumes me. So, if you believe that everything hasn't gotten worse, it has. We got into a bit of trouble, but I'm not going to say more than that and now they have blocked me from even calling him on my phone, thank god for Skype! So we've been messaging through facebook and talking through Skype but, its still not the same as being able to call him without internet connection or just when I wake up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare. My life is simply becoming so boring and so empty I cannot even explain it in the words I type. I mean there's nothing I really want to do other than hide away in my room and not talk to anyone at all. They say they're trying to protect me, I don't believe it. I don't feel like I'm being "protected" I feel more like I'm being punished, punished for living and breathing. All I want to do is talk to him and be able to cuddle in his arms without a care in the world. ...

     Well another day, another new post. Its actually a brighter day, as the sun attempts to peek through the clouds. Forty-eight days to go, then I will finally taste freedom once again, the very word excites the tip of my tongue. This week will go by fairly quickly, I have two tests coming up: American government and Precalculus. Boring. But, the calculus test has kept me awake at night because the test is twenty percent of my grade, that's enough to make me faint. Today we had an english paper due, which I attempted to do thoroughly (and ended up hurting my eyes in the process). But, hopefully after this week I'll be able to catch up on sleep knowing that the stress of the week is over. Only to start it all again the next week. I can't even tell you how horrible it is to be home all the time with nothing to do except homework and watch the re-runs on television. I'm becoming bored with my own life, I just hope that I can convince my mother to un-ground...

    Another dull day, nothing stands out or even seems to catch my eye, as a girl whose always been fascinated by the world it couldn't appear more gray. The sky seems to have lost its blue and the gray clouds grow and just intensify the gloom. My whole life is filled with emptiness, utter emptiness, every breath I take just feels heavy and choking. I feel as though the air is thinning and soon I might loose consciousness of everything. And the saddest part is that I want it to happen I want to be so far into the darkness that I cannot feel anymore. All my life I've done my best to do everything I was expected to but, along the way I found someone, myself. I found myself, a girl who only wanted freedom and wanted explore every inch of the world. Now I stand a prisoner, cuffed in shackles that only bind me to my cruel punishment. I've learned the truth, it doesn't matter how much I do or how well my grades are it all doesn't matter- all that matters i...

Dreaming of Freedom      Well, here I am in physics class wanting to do nothing more than write, type all the thoughts that flow through my spirit and spill them on to these pages. Reveal all the secrets that I keep hidden in my heart. Well, my mother discovered that Tyler and I made love and is punishing me because of it. Forcing us to be unable to see each other, pay for tutoring, and be constantly tracked. I feel like I'm a deer trying to run from the hunter. And as the days go by I feel as though I'm slowly loosing my mind, I'm on complete lock down where the only things I can do are go to doctor's offices, work, school, and home. Its completely torturous, to the point where I've almost given up all hope completely and we almost broke up. But, through it all I know that even though the situation is difficult I will be twenty times as miserable if we weren't together. My mother has decided that I'm unfit to live life, because I love someone everything...