Reflection

I'm sad to say that today I must be completely selfish, and write about my problems; because they're driving me completely nuts. I don't know what else to do, who to talk to, what to say, I'm completely lost. Every time I try to tell my friends, what's wrong I feel that they don't really care it's just my same complaints about how he doesn't love me, when that's not all I have to say. I try so hard to keep up with everything- grades, friends, tutoring, driving, clubs, community service, and still try to have a personal life. However, that isn't working. Lately, I've just gotten myself into trouble, by what I do. Like last week I kissed my ex boyfriend, stupid as I am, and he seemed completely into it. Then he tells me, that he can't do "this", that's when it hit me, I'm doing this to myself. All this pain, this torture I put myself through. And with him, there's so much unsaid, I wish that I could scream it to the sky, how much I want him, how much my heart bleeds every time I look at him. But, all those things remain in my thoughts, gone by the winds of time. My friends are completely sick of how much I talk about it, they say they "know". When I think to myself they don't know. They have no idea of how much suffering I go through, each and every single day, they only see my outer cover. Here on this blog you see my real emotions, the ones I could never spill out of my heart onto the floor. I feel as though my life is like a song, most of it a ballad- silently singing of the desires of my heart. How I wish that I could have one friend in the world sit and listen to me and understand my pain and take it to their heart, and believe in me. I could tell you all about how as a child I was treated and now how I'm treated like a second rate of human. However that's not what keeps me awake at night, its how I feel all alone even with the people that surround me, I know they try their best but, parts of me are still missing. Sometimes I feel like I can be so dumb, for lack of a better word, like when my math teacher asked me a simple question I stared completely dumbfounded as if he just asked me to recite the periodic table. I can't exactly hide, how when I was younger I never really got a lot of math concepts, hey, that's catholic school for you. On top of all of it there's him if you've read any of my earlier blogs you've heard about him. Sometimes I wish I never even met him, so I wouldn't have put him through all the pain and so I wouldn't still feel that pang inside my heart that would convince me to do anything for him, just for those few seconds of relief when I wouldn't feel so horrible. I honestly, don't believe that guys really forget those type of things as easily as they say they do, I think they remember. Because, I sure as anything would give everything I have just to take back what I did to him, my friends, and to all those other people that I've hurt. Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like if I were gone, maybe then they wouldn't feel the pain that I've given them, maybe all those emotions of sorrow and hurt would disappear. I have this gut-wrenching feeling deep inside because these memories remind me of all the fights I've had with my best friend of how I pushed her away so many times, because I never want her to see what I truly am. And, yet she stays by me, why? I couldn't tell you.
~Liki