Truly Star Gazing

My energy has been drained both emotionally and physically. I've done some things lately that I'm not proud of, but honestly I'm not sure what to say anymore. Luke (ex boyfriend) and I were talking today, about what we've been doing lately. Last year we went out and he broke my heart, long story short he told me he never really loved me, and a week ago I kissed him more than once. It's still going on too, which I'm completely ashamed of, I mean what am I doing? Honestly, I have no idea. My mind playing me for a fool, I suppose. I'm hurting myself in the process which comes to me as no surprise, in the end I always get hurt. I coaxed Luke into walking me home by stealing his sweatshirt and his lacrosse ball and he followed me mostly the way to my house. Truly I have the curse of manipulation, I convinced him to kiss me, it pains me as I write these words because what am I truly doing? Messing with a guy's head and deluding my own in the process by convincing myself and him that it doesn't mean anything. I think honestly I'm still in love with him, I think I always will be I think it'll never be different. I always be in love with that boy, hopelessly in love. I wonder what will happen when I'm done with high school, will it truly matter? I'll be in college, I guess. I also can't help thinking about the SAT, another reason I'm dreading junior year. Everything in my life is about the future, what happened to living in the moment? Being yourself? Did everything disappear once I walked in the door of high school? What happened to those moments when you're allowed to chill? To relax? Did everything disappear? Sometimes I wonder if I'm still me, or if I transformed into a different girl who I pretend is me, when she's just a foreign image in the mirror. I wish life wasn't so hard to understand, and I could get a grip. But I hope someday I will find the answers, but for now I'm just gonna be me, its all I got left ;)
~Liki

Comments

Wind Runner

Well, I'm up to about 3 posts in one day. I ran away a little while ago. But, I came back like I always do. Because, wherever I go they will find me and bring me back to where I started right here (in my house) I'll be writing most of the night anyway. It's about midnight here in NY. So, yup. Well, this is how the whole running away thing got started. I had been merely on the computer watching 'Picture This' on youtube. A simple evening for me, but then I hear my step-dad (ok, ewww I cannot say that word he should never have the word 'dad' in that title or whatever. I never liked him and never will. So I'll call him Mr. X.) Mr. X had called me over to the computer to sign into my itunes account because they had gotten a bill saying that itunes was used up to 60 dollars. Anyway, how that had actually happened was an accident, you see I had a graduation party for graduating middle school. So I had wanted an itunes card and, I would pay Mr. X back. So I ma...

Accepted

College. The words that determine the rest of your life. The words that run across your mind once you graduate high school. The words that make you think of parties and four more years of exams. However, this is the chance when you get to choose how you spend your days, what you learn right? At least that's the look I see on many freshman when they come to college, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed jumping at the opportunity to take a reign on their lives or you have those who are excited for the four years of partying that comes ahead, and finally you have those students who come in trailing behind their parent waiting for the tour to be over usually listening to music. These three type of students however, all fall into the same muddling and confusing first year of college, where all three take the same meaningless courses and after the year is over worry about what is next. This is the point where the education system comes in and molds you. In college, the choice is everything. ...

Love

The last week has been crazy busy , I have been in tutoring all week . Some spring break. All I can think of is love. Love makes people do some pretty crazy things. I wish there was a tracker to find true love because today it's harder and harder to find. If I could ever describe love I would say it is the most exhilarating feeling of all. The first time you look at them you know it's meant to be, that moment when your eyes meet and you know you wouldn't trade that feeling for anything else in the world. Love should be when you look at that person it feels like the first time you kissed, the first time you fell in love. I am a good matchmaker however have yet to find love myself. For now I'm stuck reading romantic books and watching the 'Notebook' fifty thousand times. Being in love is amazing and I haven't been in love yet so I can exactly explain it! My aunt was right infatuation has been in my life, leaving me with good and bad memories. However when I ...

Believe In Time

Search This Blog