Truly Star Gazing

My energy has been drained both emotionally and physically. I've done some things lately that I'm not proud of, but honestly I'm not sure what to say anymore. Luke (ex boyfriend) and I were talking today, about what we've been doing lately. Last year we went out and he broke my heart, long story short he told me he never really loved me, and a week ago I kissed him more than once. It's still going on too, which I'm completely ashamed of, I mean what am I doing? Honestly, I have no idea. My mind playing me for a fool, I suppose. I'm hurting myself in the process which comes to me as no surprise, in the end I always get hurt. I coaxed Luke into walking me home by stealing his sweatshirt and his lacrosse ball and he followed me mostly the way to my house. Truly I have the curse of manipulation, I convinced him to kiss me, it pains me as I write these words because what am I truly doing? Messing with a guy's head and deluding my own in the process by convincing myself and him that it doesn't mean anything. I think honestly I'm still in love with him, I think I always will be I think it'll never be different. I always be in love with that boy, hopelessly in love. I wonder what will happen when I'm done with high school, will it truly matter? I'll be in college, I guess. I also can't help thinking about the SAT, another reason I'm dreading junior year. Everything in my life is about the future, what happened to living in the moment? Being yourself? Did everything disappear once I walked in the door of high school? What happened to those moments when you're allowed to chill? To relax? Did everything disappear? Sometimes I wonder if I'm still me, or if I transformed into a different girl who I pretend is me, when she's just a foreign image in the mirror. I wish life wasn't so hard to understand, and I could get a grip. But I hope someday I will find the answers, but for now I'm just gonna be me, its all I got left ;)
~Liki

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