Believe In Time

So, here I am typing this at work when I probably should be studying but, I can't seem to get Monday off my mind that and that the SAT on Saturday is going to kill me. On Monday everything seemed to take a weird spiral making this week really strange. On Monday everything that was wrong seemed to happen, its all very abnormal. One of my friends got a new boyfriend, a couple of weeks ago and I'm like great another girl with a boyfriend to be all sappy with fabulous. So, as she tells us about him I realize he's in a band, now my interest has been caught; because secretly I've always wanted to date a guitarist. So, I tell my friend this and she tells her boyfriend, so he says that he'll find someone. So, thats how it all started. Her boyfriend did find someone, Nate. So, of course my friend and I look him up on facebook and I start to find myself starting to like him, we eventually start talking through facebook messaging and it moves on from there. He said we should h...

I know its been forever since I've been on or have written anything at all. Honestly this year has been driving me insane with all the madness. I still can't even believe that junior year is nearly over and I think I'm going to die. I take the SAT again on Saturday and I'm nervous as hell, one test defines who I am and will be, its insane! My love life, forget about it, its to complicated to explain. Honestly I know I'm making all the wrong choices yet, do so anyway. I guess its not my brightest ideas, but why do the wrong choices all feel so right? Why do all the wrong things in life seem like the more obvious choice? It seems as though the world is spinning its never going to end, is it? Everywhere I go all the voices bang against my head, making me want to just scream for it all to stop. All the pressure feels like a tower waiting to collapse, it feels as though a ton of bricks will fall right on top of me, crushing me underneath it all. Why can't I be ...

This morning was a morning filled with solitude, which made me forget how good it feels to be the only one awake. I had a driving lesson this morning, which was truly dull however, Mr. X complained to me this morning as usual. Which honestly has put a damper on my attitude this morning. My fairytale has ended once again and I'm left in the cold. My latest ex broke up with me 3 days before Christmas, which made for a very sad Christmas full of anger and desire. Even though it sounds crazy I still want him back, because after Christmas I drove up to his house to give him back his sweatshirt and we talked everything out. But, even after that I finally realized that I wanted him back more than anything. I had been "messing around" with another guy, however its not 'cauz I wanted to its because I wanted to feel for just a moment no pain. I know its not the best thing to do but, when my boyfriend left I didn't think that I couldn't go on. Now, I broke it off with t...

I know I haven't been on in forever, and I'm relieved to be writing something; I think I might go crazy if I don't. My favorite english teacher is getting harsh and becoming almost unemotional, ever since the death in his family he has become a brutal teacher, he gave me a C on a paper and he never smiles anymore. It depresses me, when a see a fairly nice teacher become so drastically changed. I understand that a death in the family is truly nothing to smile about, but even though that happened I would at least try to look content. But I digress, from why I'm truly excited to write. I have a new boyfriend. I know shocker, there. But, since I feel I must explain how we met, I shall take you back two weeks ago. I had previously told my driving instructor, about my love of writing vampire novels and when he told a kid in his Suffern (small town neighboring mine) class about me he told my instructor to give him me his number. And then we started texting, nonstop. However...

I haven't been on in days now, probably because I'm caught up in my own drama. Simply because I'm a teenager and drama is all a part of that experience of being young. The word "unfabulous" describes my life perfectly, because today everyone stared at me because I was carrying my monster of a backpack on my back and since it has a hiking backpack the ties that go around the waist kept hitting the sides of the bus, not to mention I was carrying a bag filled with books and my pack it. So, that definitely got some stares. I feel like high school is just pure embarrassment, crazy amounts of work, and a desperation to be someone you're not. My junior year sometimes feels like the worst thing that has ever happened to me, because now that I'm a junior everything slowly starts slipping away, out from underneath. Whenever you think to yourself there is so little time to waste, because were close to the falling curtain of the play, you wonder whether everything in...

I am truly becoming less and less sure of what I'm doing, whether I'm just going crazy or what. Honestly, I truly don't want to analyze Luke right now, that I'm not gonna touch on. Walter, forget it, he kept giving me these, "I don't know you, you're a horrible person, get the hell away from me" stares. Whatever. In other news, junior year is so much work! Everything just feels rushed, all the time. Truthfully, I wish it would all stop. My life feels like its running ahead of me, and here I am twenty miles behind and still trying to catch up. So I keep on running, however I'm not getting any closer. My teachers are beginning to look sick of me, even my favorite teacher looked pretty pissed at me today, to say the least, I wanted to sink into the floor. These moments really make me jealous of Rainey, my best friend, I mean, the girl's got it all going for her. She's smart, pretty, skinny, she's got a million friends, a twin sister for su...

My energy has been drained both emotionally and physically. I've done some things lately that I'm not proud of, but honestly I'm not sure what to say anymore. Luke (ex boyfriend) and I were talking today, about what we've been doing lately. Last year we went out and he broke my heart, long story short he told me he never really loved me, and a week ago I kissed him more than once. It's still going on too, which I'm completely ashamed of, I mean what am I doing? Honestly, I have no idea. My mind playing me for a fool, I suppose. I'm hurting myself in the process which comes to me as no surprise, in the end I always get hurt. I coaxed Luke into walking me home by stealing his sweatshirt and his lacrosse ball and he followed me mostly the way to my house. Truly I have the curse of manipulation, I convinced him to kiss me, it pains me as I write these words because what am I truly doing? Messing with a guy's head and deluding my own in the process by convinc...