Believe In Time

I know I haven't been on in forever, and I'm relieved to be writing something; I think I might go crazy if I don't. My favorite english teacher is getting harsh and becoming almost unemotional, ever since the death in his family he has become a brutal teacher, he gave me a C on a paper and he never smiles anymore. It depresses me, when a see a fairly nice teacher become so drastically changed. I understand that a death in the family is truly nothing to smile about, but even though that happened I would at least try to look content. But I digress, from why I'm truly excited to write. I have a new boyfriend. I know shocker, there. But, since I feel I must explain how we met, I shall take you back two weeks ago. I had previously told my driving instructor, about my love of writing vampire novels and when he told a kid in his Suffern (small town neighboring mine) class about me he told my instructor to give him me his number. And then we started texting, nonstop. However

I haven't been on in days now, probably because I'm caught up in my own drama. Simply because I'm a teenager and drama is all a part of that experience of being young. The word "unfabulous" describes my life perfectly, because today everyone stared at me because I was carrying my monster of a backpack on my back and since it has a hiking backpack the ties that go around the waist kept hitting the sides of the bus, not to mention I was carrying a bag filled with books and my pack it. So, that definitely got some stares. I feel like high school is just pure embarrassment, crazy amounts of work, and a desperation to be someone you're not. My junior year sometimes feels like the worst thing that has ever happened to me, because now that I'm a junior everything slowly starts slipping away, out from underneath. Whenever you think to yourself there is so little time to waste, because were close to the falling curtain of the play, you wonder whether everything in

I am truly becoming less and less sure of what I'm doing, whether I'm just going crazy or what. Honestly, I truly don't want to analyze Luke right now, that I'm not gonna touch on. Walter, forget it, he kept giving me these, "I don't know you, you're a horrible person, get the hell away from me" stares. Whatever. In other news, junior year is so much work! Everything just feels rushed, all the time. Truthfully, I wish it would all stop. My life feels like its running ahead of me, and here I am twenty miles behind and still trying to catch up. So I keep on running, however I'm not getting any closer. My teachers are beginning to look sick of me, even my favorite teacher looked pretty pissed at me today, to say the least, I wanted to sink into the floor. These moments really make me jealous of Rainey, my best friend, I mean, the girl's got it all going for her. She's smart, pretty, skinny, she's got a million friends, a twin sister for su

My energy has been drained both emotionally and physically. I've done some things lately that I'm not proud of, but honestly I'm not sure what to say anymore. Luke (ex boyfriend) and I were talking today, about what we've been doing lately. Last year we went out and he broke my heart, long story short he told me he never really loved me, and a week ago I kissed him more than once. It's still going on too, which I'm completely ashamed of, I mean what am I doing? Honestly, I have no idea. My mind playing me for a fool, I suppose. I'm hurting myself in the process which comes to me as no surprise, in the end I always get hurt. I coaxed Luke into walking me home by stealing his sweatshirt and his lacrosse ball and he followed me mostly the way to my house. Truly I have the curse of manipulation, I convinced him to kiss me, it pains me as I write these words because what am I truly doing? Messing with a guy's head and deluding my own in the process by convinc

I'm sad to say that today I must be completely selfish, and write about my problems; because they're driving me completely nuts. I don't know what else to do, who to talk to, what to say, I'm completely lost. Every time I try to tell my friends, what's wrong I feel that they don't really care it's just my same complaints about how he doesn't love me, when that's not all I have to say. I try so hard to keep up with everything- grades, friends, tutoring, driving, clubs, community service, and still try to have a personal life. However, that isn't working. Lately, I've just gotten myself into trouble, by what I do. Like last week I kissed my ex boyfriend, stupid as I am, and he seemed completely into it. Then he tells me, that he can't do "this", that's when it hit me, I'm doing this to myself. All this pain, this torture I put myself through. And with him, there's so much unsaid, I wish that I could scream it to the sk

My mind is at peace, for that one solitary moment there seems to be a sense of serenity from inner core that spreads to the rest of my body. Which is truly ironic, because there's never been more pressure on me. But, for this one moment I feel a sense of liberation from all ties to earth itself, as if suddenly I stopped walking and learned how to fly. My mind feels all-knowing, as if all the "wise" thoughts have flown into my mind. Such as, that death comes and how it shouldn't be taken as the end but, rather the beginning of a new world or peace and divinity. How a song can change your mood entirely, from sour to joy. How life seems like one long song, becoming so many generes from rock to a ballad by all the stages we go through in our life. I feel, the best way to express this feeling is complete and utter amazement. When you truly stop for that one moment and look at the talents, emotions, and their inner thoughts; you seem to stand there in utter stupefaction. Th

Today, I swear was the worst day of my life. If you read from the older blogs I always talked about Walter. I still do. I know, its really unhealthy and everything but, at the same time its not that easy to give him up. Today he skipped AP Spanish and came to my gym class, seeing him there felt like a bullet to my heart. Its pure torture, to see him, every time I look at him all I feel is more alone. Every time he ignores me, its another stab at my heart, another shatter of my glass figurine heart. Every stare sends shivers down my spin, reminding me of all the torture I put him through. Its been two years since it all happened, and he still hasn't forgiven me. Not that I deserve it, the things I did I'm not proud of, thats no secret. But its been two years, your name is tattooed across my heart and it is breaking it to pieces. What's worse is that everyone who doesn't like me, loves him, go figure. Every time I think that I've evaded him, there he is! Like a ghost

Lately my life is in constant spirals, now that I'm a junior everything is all about college, grades, and who to be. But, amongst the flux I am standing in the middle wondering how long until I lose myself. I can barely do anything I love to, soon enough I will disappear in this mysterious melody. However, through the haze I see myself, smiling and it makes me look at the wondrous world I'm living in, how its filled with love, faith, and beauty. There is so much in this world I haven't seen, but why does my life have to be dictated by my education? This world is filled with the purest of all greatness which we have been blind to; while the world of economics and politics takes its place. There are reasons to strive for greatness, but the way we have been doing it hasn't gotten us anywhere. When will we live our life pure and free of the influence of others, we live our life compared to everyone else. How will we ever will learn to be true to ourselves when we look aroun

I wish I could explain why I feel the way I do, explain it to everyone else around me and they'd understand. I saw Kelley Slater, famous surfer, at the Long Beach competition and I still feel completely depressed. I feel as though all of my ambition has been drained, I feel as though I can't do anything. I feel all alone in this world, it feels completely foreign. As though I'm living another girl's life not my own. Liberation cannot find me because I am deep in the depths of my own emotion. I just feel hopeless at this point, I see everyone else around me shine even in a sour attitude and I am the lost girl. I feel myself becoming a ghost in my own life, detaching myself from everything, as though I watch the life of everyone else. I feel like I'm in a twisted dream caught in between the sands of time, watching air slip through my fingers like memories. I want to be this great person that can do so much, however my problem stands I'm not that person. I am me, t

Today, a glorious rainy day, is a small sign of relief to simply sit in bed or by the fire watching a movie or reading a book is the greatest moment of peace. A moment where you can sit down and simply relax. This rainy day brings a lot to mind how this summer is coming to a closure and the new school year begins, year filled with opportunity, regrets, changes, adventure, wonder, curiosity, bravery, and magic. This year we all plan to make the mos fabulous year ever, proposing new clothes, attitudes, and friends. However, it never turns out exactly the way we want, mistakes happen just like ourselves life is filled with faults. This year should be one where we do everything in our power to make it the best, despite all odds. Where we make new friends and smile even at the most awful moment; this year should be perfect, not because everything went right but, you were surrounded by friends and moments that caught your breath. I cannot tell you how many people, I hear whine that things

Lately the summer has become a complete drag, I've been doing nothing since summer started it seems; since I've come back from horse camp its just non stop work. In the time since I've been back I've painted my room and began to decorate it and been going to tutoring for three hours a day. Not exactly the summer classified under extraordinary, to make it all the worse my step-person (I just can't say the word because it is untrue) is making my life completely miserable. By never allowing me to have any time to sit on my laptop and surf the internet or anything. Rather constant chores await, I feel like Cinderella with an endless chore list. Though I can't complain that everything is bad, I have one secret that I will see the boy who made me take a look at life closely and made me smile till my face was stuck. Will he remember me? Or will he look at me with an empty face as if he never saw me. Memories of the past constantly creep up on me, Walter's face fill

Today, I learned what we should all know, to live each day as it comes. Live everyday. like its the last time we'll be able to feel the sun on out backs, and the cool summer air against our skin. Live each moment like its the last, if you live life with regrets you won't be able to see the beautiful, shimmering world around you. Life is filled with oppurtunity, luck, and pure chance; life may never seem to go your way, and turn out completely different than what you wanted, but remember life may be not what you expect but while we're here we should live it. I couldn't tell you how many times, I've seen adults go to work and come home sitting on their butt in front of the couch, every single day. I couldn't imagine that life, but that is what reality has come to be. You can change that. Get up, take a walk play soccer, ride a bike, laugh so loud till your neighbors stare, jump up and down, spin in circles. Because life doesn't last forever, life is the presen

My friend is sitting next to me and it feel like Rhianna's king bed song, I wonder if this is reality how I wish I didn't have to hide, but they don't understand me. Not surprising. They think, I completely dimwitted or something, but if they really knew the truth, I don't even think I an bare it myself. Its my own small world the one that exists inside my head and heart are far from the same, so many thoughts whirling in both of them, my heart a completely free spirit in search of love and my head filled with rational thoughts, anger, disappointment, and pain. From all those who have left their mark, my father, past friends, my mother, family, and guys. I seems like I'm not really here, like I'm in a truly cruel world, with every spark of hope disappearing. I wonder where God is in all this,I feel like He disappeared. I really just wish people wouldn't tell me what to feel, "I am able to talk, stop talking like I'm not here!" I wish I could b

I can't believe its been so long since I've posted anything, considering my summer has been a total bummer. Nothing to do all day long except learn chemistry, not exactly the best summer ever. One of those moments you wish you could change places with a celebrity in the hopes that your life will be more exciting, traveling up the streets of Paris or Rome something like that. Lately it seems like my friends aren't really my friends because I'm a third wheel, someone who will stand there simply because I'm around. I mean aren't friends suppose to know you better than anyone else? Know your strengths, weakness, your passions, secrets, your goal, your desires? I'm a secretly sensitive person, maybe overly sensitive? I just hate to blend in, when I was born to stand out. I don;t wanna change myself for everyone else, I'm just me the crazy girl who is love sick. Its always the same excuses from friends when you claim you're a third wheel, "I never

Today I learned how my life won't always go the way I want, it will make all these twists and turns. Life will be an unexpected adventure some of the twist may throw me off and I will fall, but I must have the courage to stand up once more. In life the small things will be the ones that you enjoy the most and that life is too short to waste, to wonder whether you’re doing everything right. Life is meant to be loved and shared, I don’t know when I might die but I hope when that day comes, I can inspire others to do what they have only dreamed. I want so much out of life that sometimes is hard to come by. Life is a roller coaster ride there will be ups and downs but, we must never give up. Losing faith is common but there will always be God who will hold onto your hand and say, “you make me smile.” Through life I wonder whether God is really there with me, by my side all this time and no matter how hard it is to believe I know God is there urging us to do what is right even if it’s

The last week has been crazy busy , I have been in tutoring all week . Some spring break. All I can think of is love. Love makes people do some pretty crazy things. I wish there was a tracker to find true love because today it's harder and harder to find. If I could ever describe love I would say it is the most exhilarating feeling of all. The first time you look at them you know it's meant to be, that moment when your eyes meet and you know you wouldn't trade that feeling for anything else in the world. Love should be when you look at that person it feels like the first time you kissed, the first time you fell in love. I am a good matchmaker however have yet to find love myself. For now I'm stuck reading romantic books and watching the 'Notebook' fifty thousand times. Being in love is amazing and I haven't been in love yet so I can exactly explain it! My aunt was right infatuation has been in my life, leaving me with good and bad memories. However when I

This week I could complain about so much, I could tell you how my life isn't how I wanted it to be. However all I can really think about is the one friend I know is true, God. The one who will stand by me through everything I've been through from the time I was born to my mom when she was only twenty He was there through all the years I wish my Dad had been around for me, He was there when I had done something so cruel nobody would stand by me. He was there through everything, because He's that type of friend that would never leave me no matter what have done or said that drove everyone else away. I could never truly imagine a more loving friend than that, whenever I sit alone I am never truly here alone because God can feel my pain, my hurt. He knows how at times I can loose all faith in myself and everything else and He'll be there every stage of my life. I just wish I knew what to do with my life, what I should do. The hard part for me is expressing how I truly feel

These last few days I swear have been the worst in my life everything has seemed to go wrong. My fairytale boyfriend broke up with me, my best friend has everything I ever wanted, the boy who wants nothing to do with me I'm obsessed with, and I think everything in this life I want is out of my reach. At least I got to experience the joy before the downfall and pain, I think I'm better off sticking to my quiet book-nerdish self. But why? Why always me? I wish for once I could stop being me, for one day maybe I'd understand everything. The only good thing that happened in my life these last couple days was that I have the chance to escape to Costa Rica for surfing lessons. My best friend Maria is so lucky everything in her life is always perfect, the boyfriend who loves her, perfect grades, with adoring friends crowding around her like paparazzi, what do I have nothing. It hurts more than I can bare a shell of a human being, the hurt and pain bottling up in my brain, lying to

It was southern Alabama 1993 it seemed like only yesterday when I felt that hot and sticky summer air on my back and felt the grass between my toes. My mind began to wander to the sweet dream my life was, I had been laying in a green field listening to everything in almost perfect harmony form the birds to the breeze of the wind. Everything was perfect. I smiled to myself because I knew that there was no way this could be any better. My eyes fluttered open to look at Daniel who stood looking down into my eyes, smiling the same dopey grin I was. He leans a little closer to attempt at kissing me; he was in for another surprise. Before he could touch my lips, I turned my face away and slid out from underneath him, I stuck my tongue out and said, “Catch me if you can!” then took off running down the field. Laughing all the while, when he came running up and down the hills after me. He finally caught me by the old carousel, pinning me down on the ground while I giggled; he let my little g

The day I met Kyle was a fairytale I think I've been in one since I started dating him! Whenever I look in his eyes I know there is no one else in this world like him, how could I have been so blind? He is the one for me, that may sound crazy when your young but there is no one else's eyes I want to look into when I sleep in his chest there is no one else's voice I wanna hear when I have a bad day, I never want to have another because the Kyle will always be the one for me. He makes me laugh and smile, I think I've run out of words just to compare how much I love him. This fairytale I never want it to end as long as I live! I live for his love, what's crazy is that every time I see him it feels like a dream, not reality the way he cradles me and tells me I'm beautiful just the way I am, makes every bad thing fall from my mind. Today was a fairytale, and this time I didn't need a fairy god mother to make it possible! I didn't have to be a princess today

Does time in life ever seem unrealistic like a dream? My life is running ahead of me like it's chasing something time with Kyle is beginning to slur together we've been going out for about 2 months already! That's crazy! Today was a moment from the notebook I swear it. I took Kyle for ice cream cauz the boy never had another flavor but vanilla! His lips were covered in ice cream and I leaned over and kissed him, and he also stuck my nose into my ice cream we were both laughing till it felt like we'd die out of lack of air. Everything with him makes the world seem brighter and beautiful like everyone is singing the sun on our faces makes me feel like theirs nothing in this world I'm missing. However I've distanced myself from Laura because she claims she is so appericative of what I do when she really isn't at all. Now she's taking my friend in my english class! I am just so annoyed. But I must be off reading, to do! See you soon! Liki

Lately everything in my life has been going pretty well. Yesterday was crazy, I hung out with my friend Callie just walking around town and we laughed till it hurt! But Kyle and I fell out yesterday he cancelled on me again! I was so upset! Callie brought up a good point what if I'm more into him? I left a really nasty voice mail on his phone Callie said he was a jerk because he would never do the things I do for him for me. That fueled my anger even more and he then told me he could go on our date after I made plans with Callie's family, because I was not having another lonely Saturday night. He told me he couldn't go before he even asked his mum! Least to say I was even more angry he lied to me! But I went on our date and I was pretty dang mad for the first half hour and I told him how I felt, I asked him why he really wanted me for my body or for me and I was really strict with letting him put his arm around me or whatever. But, I started to warm back up to him, I love

I know I haven't actually posted a post in a while. I've been with my boyfriend a lot lately, I pretty much look and feel dumb when I'm around him. I mean I am intellgent but when I'm around him I just I don't know. All I really know is I never want to be with anybody else, this year I've hardly had any time to do anything fun, dance or write; get my emotions out. Maybe it's because I haven't had a boyfriend in a long time and my heart is always broken so, when I finally found someone who does care, I always want to be around them. However I'm afraid because my friend brought up a good point to me that I maybe am more into him than he is in me I told him this, because I want him to know what's on my mind and he basically told me he thought that she was right. What does that mean??? Maybe all this relationship stuff is getting to my head I need to calm down. Plus he told me he can't be with me everyday which I have to accept to be honest thoug

Today is another snow day from school. I learned I might have to get surgery, surgery! I'm so scared! Also my boyfriend has been give me the flake. It's just I'm scared to lose him that's the truth. Yes, I need to get a life. I'm just so bored! I'm sick as a dog so I can't go anywhere, there is nothing to do! I don't expect my boyfriend to drop everything, of course but I hate when people ignore me. Truthfully I haven't actually done much in the last few days I decided since my grades weren't too hot the first half of the year I should do better, but I'm all done with my homework. I'd rather be in school that's how bored I am! I dream of a life better than this, I want to see the world Italy, Paris, Australia, everywhere! I can only imagine. I know I have so much potential to do something great, however nothing comes. The winter grows on my clawing me down toward the dark depression that winter creates. It's hard when I can't

Today was an adventure lately I've been seeming to have more and more of those, which is what life is all about the adventure. I am dating a guy I truly like and so far everything has been pretty good, I just can't explain how I feel around him. Everything about him is different he's so gentle to my fragile heart and helps me heal it, after this whole year of dating around I think it was worth it. The only thing I wish is that I could take away the pain of those I hurt. The way this guy kisses me it's enough to keep me silent for hours (and if you know me I don't shut up, ever). However I'm still have problems with my best friend she's dating this guy I don't trust because of rumors I hear about him and how my best friend can't have a life and talk to her friends but he can. I feel like this guy is controlling her because the two are joined at the hip! I mean I don't know how to approach her anymore I mean we talk but I still feel like were dista

Today it felt like I had been woken up from a very long dream, a dream of fantasy wonder and no evil. Spinning around in my head is the ideas of good and evil, how some believe evil was made by man or God. How people can be evil or can become evil, but what does that actually tell us about society? Evil in my opinion is a myth an excuse for people to blame others a way for people to explain what they do not know. Evil, is just an idea that we create to blind ourselves from the truth the way to do wrong. Humanity has impulses much like the nervous system however we have impulses of lust, greed, and jealousy; common human emotions however people are not evil we are great and can accomplish wondrous things. When the ways of rebellion and misbehaviour tempt us we should think that we built the large cities that surround us today, we built the great architecture from Ancient Greece to Rome we painted the Age of the Renaissance we created the past and we have the chance now to change the fut