Believe In Time

The second year is well into gear however, I find myself wondering how people find enjoyment in college because to be truthful this college lacks so much yet, I find myself attached to it. But, last night definitely hit me hard my best friend of 3 years told me she doesn't want to be my friend anymore calling me selfish claiming that I was holding her back and didn't want her to make new friends, and explained to me that she didn't want to be my friend since sophomore year which definitely hit deep. I'm sitting there wondering to myself, if you had an issue with me why didn't you just tell me? And as far as not wanting her to make other friends I have to disagree, I wanted to protect her from the people who made fun of her and talked badly about her behind her back those "friends" I wanted to protect her from, yes. But, I'm forced to look at the question why am I not more upset? When she told me that I was not upset as I expected to be, I just told

So, the story of my life lately is not a very happy one. I'm in college now, a year earlier, I know I should be happy to be accepted. But, the truth is I couldn't be more miserable I've started to realize that home truly is where the heart is. I left school only to find that I miss it, I miss the pointless drama and the people who surrounded me, I miss the people who have broke down my wall. I've found college to be nothing but empty time and energy, unknown faces and hollow spaces. Right now the rain is pouring down onto the pavements it feels like the tears that run down my cheeks. Phone calls, skype, letters it doesn't make the difference any less. Its still another run down a path except your all alone. College can be filled with thousands of people but, the only difference is that everyone's following their own path, another world of their own. I wish a smiling face would cross my path rather than the twisters that surrond it, its as if I accidenta

So, my grandmother was right that I'd have an epiphany in the middle of the night. I just can't will myself to sleep so here I sit on my laptop typing away at one in the morning. It actually clears my head, allowing me to say everything that has been running through my mind. One of my exs this week proclaimed he still had feelings for me however, when I denied any type of physical relationship he seemed upset, but I knew better.... or did I? When his lips touched mine its as if the whole world seemed to disappear and all the things that he said disappeared and I entered a whole new world entirely. So, as my mind begins to flood with what to do with the situation the next morning all my questions come to a halt he sends me a text message starting out by saying he's sorry but, he can't be with me because I am, "an enemy to most of the school". I respond simply by stating, "good." Which I meant to the fullest extent it helps me weed out the people who a

Another day, tomorrow marks the summer as half over however, I still find myself bored by the lack of excitement. It feels as though I've been transported into the world of an adult yet, I'm not ready for it. It all seems too fast and confusing as though the world is simply content to move on and drag me along with them. These days almost everything I do is independent, my friends have been rather silent, we've all been sinking into the world of uncomfortable silence. Where there is no "how was your day?" but, rather nothing at all. Now, all you can find me doing is sitting at my desk curled up with a book on philosophy or so on. Its turning out to be the complete opposite of what I was hoping for, and now the road to a future career is becoming more and more unsure. It feels as though as time ticks down to graduation I become more and more uncertain of what I want to do with my life. The path that once seemed so clear is becoming more uncertain as the days pass b

First, off I just wanna say thanks for all the people who read and listen to the struggles in my life. Second, I'm in complete shock that this is my 100th post! So, thanks for being there for me for four years! Anyway, to get this post going, I wanna just write.... it probably won't make a lot of sense when I finish but it'll be different, to say the least. So, Kataya goes back to Ukraine on Saturday and at this point I am pretty upset that she's leaving, she's become a little sister to me, and her smile could light up the whole world. However, in a malicious and selfish way I am kind of happy because for the last month my mom was too busy with Kataya to really notice me, strange how you want your parents to ignore you and when they do you want them to talk to you? Also the directors of the orphanage came to stay with us and to say the least their not my favorite people, but the leave tomorrow for New York City and I finally get my room back! But, its going to t

Lately, I've been wrapped in trivial things and have honestly really not had anything that eventful happen. Which to me is rare. Honestly the week just started so, I'm probably jinxing myself; but, it has been nice to no longer deal with friend drama. The only drama around here is how annoying Mr. X is, I swear he is the king of complaining especially lately its gotten to a point where it just irritates the heck out of me. But, other than that its been pretty quiet, ever since Jose left its been pretty silent, which isn't all bad my heart is recovering, of course the wound is deep but if I let other people control me then I'll fall to pieces. I know life will go on, it always has, my phone has been pretty quiet too; not many people are around everybody's just doing their own thing, which strangely doesn't bother me. I've just been minding my own business, just going to work and listening to music which has really been most of my summer. Well, I did see a Cob

So, my blog finally was updated! Yay! I have to admit I was a little hesitant to change the design but, I did its time for a change. My office this morning is completely dull, nothing has been happening so its nice because I do get more time to relax and just be myself so at least that's good. Plus, to make matters better, this morning I woke up completely rested and ready to face the day. It was such a good morning even though as soon as I came downstairs it was hectic, I felt happy. I've decided that its time for a change, when I wrote yesterday I was sad and depressed but, today is much better I realized that I have so many good people around me; they care for me and believe in me and have been there through it all. So, it struck me why am I wasting my time on people who didn't matter, who only punished me for being myself? It might take a while for me to get over him, but you know what? Who cares. If he couldn't see how amazing and different I was then that's hi

I know I haven't written in a while but, trust me with the days I'm having I don't think its unusual. So, Jose decided to push me out of his life and I'm still trying to figure out why, guess it will always be a mystery but, the things he said stung, like a knife cutting through me and dang they cut deep. "Thank god I don't have to deal with a walking waste of time such as yourself so much a weight was lifted off my back no please bitch go to your special spot in the corner and cry for all I care and you damn well know who you are." If that doesn't cut deep I don't know what does, just looking at that made it hard to sleep. And the strange part is, that I don't even understand why he said it! Honestly, this whole time I just wanted to be everyones friend, I didn't want to start drama, story of my life. Its like watching the world crumble, and to be honest I did cry, because I lost someone who I believed I could trust, and its the most shock

Well, today honestly, wasn't any better than yesterday. Sometimes I wish I was born into a different family, a different world. Because, now my mother has finally gotten what she's always wanted, another child. She came in today from Ukraine, and to be honest I really haven't said anything to her or made much eye contact with her. How can I look at my own replacement? Everyone tells me, oh she doesn't replace you and that's the biggest lie I've ever heard. My mom barely noticed me today its like I was completely invisible. And I think everyone wants to be invisible, every once in a while, but not all the time. Sometimes I just can't help but feel that if I disappeared no one would notice, life would go on. I can't help thinking about everything I've ever had, it doesn't seem like it was really mine, my mother's love only was there when I was brand new, now I've disappeared. I just wish that I could get in my car and drive, doesn't mat

Well today nothing went according to plan, everything seemed to become scrambled. I don't think I've felt so much pain in my life, losing everything is such a bitter sorrow. I though it would've been the best day of my life, turns out I was wrong, way, way wrong. When I saw Jose, he didn't even become happy, he looked at me as if he had never seen me in his life. As if I was some kid he never met before. He hugged me, then left me just like that. It felt like the wind, was stripped from my back, it grew cold and bitter. When he said goodbye to everyone, I was the last one standing looking like a fool for being there, I then just ran away. Drove away in my car hoping to forget it all, when I notice two cars on my phone. Their from him, I call him and hear his voice completely dead and lacking any emotion at all and that's when I knew. I felt that whatever we had was gone, but I don't understand it, I'm completely lost in this circle. Because one day, he makes

Well, its early on a Tuesday I came into work early due to the absence of my coworker so here I am. Its such a peaceful morning so far, I can hear the coffee maker from the kitchen and silence. Its a relatively nice feeling, rather than the phone constantly shrilling, demanding immediate attention. Even my mother hasn't gotten to work yet, which is simply bizarre considering her job is her life. So, I'm sitting at the front desk typing away on my laptop and making coffee for my mother. She just walked in wondering where I was for most of the time, which it actually took me a half an hour to drive to work and I stopped along the way at a recreation center, just sitting in the field. It was so peaceful, now the office is starting to get a bit fussy as most type furiously across their keyboards and the morning coffee is quickly taken as, a crutch, for most tired employees. Some have not even stepped foot in the office, but rather chose an extra hour of sleep. Its going to be a lon

I feel so hopeless, so lost there's nothing I wanna do more than never move again. I can't so anything right can I? I feel like an imbecile who barely seems to get the basics. My SAT scores were impossibly horridious I can't even bare to stand my mother telling me that I have to go to community college, I wish I lived under a rock. I could hear the disappointment in her voice, that her only daughter is the biggest disappointment, well it wouldn't be the first time. I just can't do anything right, every time something happens in my life I end up making it all a complete disaster. I feel myself dying inside, I wish I could just run away. Run away from all the pain and the suffering and just forget about it. I'm already in love with a guy I can't have and forget about the Chemistry and Math regents this year they were impossible. So impossible I'll probably fail the eleventh grade. I just don't want to look in the mirror but, rather punch a hole throug

So, here I am typing this at work when I probably should be studying but, I can't seem to get Monday off my mind that and that the SAT on Saturday is going to kill me. On Monday everything seemed to take a weird spiral making this week really strange. On Monday everything that was wrong seemed to happen, its all very abnormal. One of my friends got a new boyfriend, a couple of weeks ago and I'm like great another girl with a boyfriend to be all sappy with fabulous. So, as she tells us about him I realize he's in a band, now my interest has been caught; because secretly I've always wanted to date a guitarist. So, I tell my friend this and she tells her boyfriend, so he says that he'll find someone. So, thats how it all started. Her boyfriend did find someone, Nate. So, of course my friend and I look him up on facebook and I start to find myself starting to like him, we eventually start talking through facebook messaging and it moves on from there. He said we should h

I know its been forever since I've been on or have written anything at all. Honestly this year has been driving me insane with all the madness. I still can't even believe that junior year is nearly over and I think I'm going to die. I take the SAT again on Saturday and I'm nervous as hell, one test defines who I am and will be, its insane! My love life, forget about it, its to complicated to explain. Honestly I know I'm making all the wrong choices yet, do so anyway. I guess its not my brightest ideas, but why do the wrong choices all feel so right? Why do all the wrong things in life seem like the more obvious choice? It seems as though the world is spinning its never going to end, is it? Everywhere I go all the voices bang against my head, making me want to just scream for it all to stop. All the pressure feels like a tower waiting to collapse, it feels as though a ton of bricks will fall right on top of me, crushing me underneath it all. Why can't I be

This morning was a morning filled with solitude, which made me forget how good it feels to be the only one awake. I had a driving lesson this morning, which was truly dull however, Mr. X complained to me this morning as usual. Which honestly has put a damper on my attitude this morning. My fairytale has ended once again and I'm left in the cold. My latest ex broke up with me 3 days before Christmas, which made for a very sad Christmas full of anger and desire. Even though it sounds crazy I still want him back, because after Christmas I drove up to his house to give him back his sweatshirt and we talked everything out. But, even after that I finally realized that I wanted him back more than anything. I had been "messing around" with another guy, however its not 'cauz I wanted to its because I wanted to feel for just a moment no pain. I know its not the best thing to do but, when my boyfriend left I didn't think that I couldn't go on. Now, I broke it off with t