Believe In Time

I know I haven't been on in forever, and I'm relieved to be writing something; I think I might go crazy if I don't. My favorite english teacher is getting harsh and becoming almost unemotional, ever since the death in his family he has become a brutal teacher, he gave me a C on a paper and he never smiles anymore. It depresses me, when a see a fairly nice teacher become so drastically changed. I understand that a death in the family is truly nothing to smile about, but even though that happened I would at least try to look content. But I digress, from why I'm truly excited to write. I have a new boyfriend. I know shocker, there. But, since I feel I must explain how we met, I shall take you back two weeks ago. I had previously told my driving instructor, about my love of writing vampire novels and when he told a kid in his Suffern (small town neighboring mine) class about me he told my instructor to give him me his number. And then we started texting, nonstop. However

I haven't been on in days now, probably because I'm caught up in my own drama. Simply because I'm a teenager and drama is all a part of that experience of being young. The word "unfabulous" describes my life perfectly, because today everyone stared at me because I was carrying my monster of a backpack on my back and since it has a hiking backpack the ties that go around the waist kept hitting the sides of the bus, not to mention I was carrying a bag filled with books and my pack it. So, that definitely got some stares. I feel like high school is just pure embarrassment, crazy amounts of work, and a desperation to be someone you're not. My junior year sometimes feels like the worst thing that has ever happened to me, because now that I'm a junior everything slowly starts slipping away, out from underneath. Whenever you think to yourself there is so little time to waste, because were close to the falling curtain of the play, you wonder whether everything in

I am truly becoming less and less sure of what I'm doing, whether I'm just going crazy or what. Honestly, I truly don't want to analyze Luke right now, that I'm not gonna touch on. Walter, forget it, he kept giving me these, "I don't know you, you're a horrible person, get the hell away from me" stares. Whatever. In other news, junior year is so much work! Everything just feels rushed, all the time. Truthfully, I wish it would all stop. My life feels like its running ahead of me, and here I am twenty miles behind and still trying to catch up. So I keep on running, however I'm not getting any closer. My teachers are beginning to look sick of me, even my favorite teacher looked pretty pissed at me today, to say the least, I wanted to sink into the floor. These moments really make me jealous of Rainey, my best friend, I mean, the girl's got it all going for her. She's smart, pretty, skinny, she's got a million friends, a twin sister for su

My energy has been drained both emotionally and physically. I've done some things lately that I'm not proud of, but honestly I'm not sure what to say anymore. Luke (ex boyfriend) and I were talking today, about what we've been doing lately. Last year we went out and he broke my heart, long story short he told me he never really loved me, and a week ago I kissed him more than once. It's still going on too, which I'm completely ashamed of, I mean what am I doing? Honestly, I have no idea. My mind playing me for a fool, I suppose. I'm hurting myself in the process which comes to me as no surprise, in the end I always get hurt. I coaxed Luke into walking me home by stealing his sweatshirt and his lacrosse ball and he followed me mostly the way to my house. Truly I have the curse of manipulation, I convinced him to kiss me, it pains me as I write these words because what am I truly doing? Messing with a guy's head and deluding my own in the process by convinc

I'm sad to say that today I must be completely selfish, and write about my problems; because they're driving me completely nuts. I don't know what else to do, who to talk to, what to say, I'm completely lost. Every time I try to tell my friends, what's wrong I feel that they don't really care it's just my same complaints about how he doesn't love me, when that's not all I have to say. I try so hard to keep up with everything- grades, friends, tutoring, driving, clubs, community service, and still try to have a personal life. However, that isn't working. Lately, I've just gotten myself into trouble, by what I do. Like last week I kissed my ex boyfriend, stupid as I am, and he seemed completely into it. Then he tells me, that he can't do "this", that's when it hit me, I'm doing this to myself. All this pain, this torture I put myself through. And with him, there's so much unsaid, I wish that I could scream it to the sk