Believe In Time

Lately, everything just seems to be jumbled in words that could never sound beautiful no matter how you phrased them. We've been on a family vacation for the last two weeks, which has been simply been driving me crazy, because when you have two perfect cousins and a family who is convinced that your the devil it makes things insane. The trip already started out with problems because my grandmother believes what my cousins gossip about me, and honestly it's just unfair. They claimed that I blocked them from being able to call me, when in reality they ignore me in the grand scheme of the world. I should also say that it's annoying that my grandmother takes my uncle's side for everything, I felt as though for all the time we were on the cruise, I was listening to my grandmother talk about how everything I do is wrong and we had to wait everywhere for my uncle and his family. I did everything wrong because I wasn't interested in being friends with my cousins because of

College. The words that determine the rest of your life. The words that run across your mind once you graduate high school. The words that make you think of parties and four more years of exams. However, this is the chance when you get to choose how you spend your days, what you learn right? At least that's the look I see on many freshman when they come to college, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed jumping at the opportunity to take a reign on their lives or you have those who are excited for the four years of partying that comes ahead, and finally you have those students who come in trailing behind their parent waiting for the tour to be over usually listening to music. These three type of students however, all fall into the same muddling and confusing first year of college, where all three take the same meaningless courses and after the year is over worry about what is next. This is the point where the education system comes in and molds you. In college, the choice is everything.

Tonight I want to talk about something that everyone knows but, no one truly ever says. What it is like to have people who don't understand you and punish you for being yourself. (Warning: this will be a bit rant-like). My "parents", if you could even call them that, have been punishing me for being myself for years. Even, after ten years I know there is no winning- when I speak I am in trouble and when I am silent I am in trouble. At the age of being close to adulthood this vexes me because as I get older the punishment only gets worse. There is just the point when you want to stop trying because it will never be good enough for anyone. But, then you step back and wonder why do you have to please everyone? What will they ever do for you? Sometimes I just want to scream out to the world that I don't want to be a follower, I want the chance to be creative and to make something of myself in my own fashion. It won't be perfect, it will be messy but, at least the oppo

Do you ever feel completely lost? I feel as though the world is hold out my letter of rejection but, here I am trying to fight my way back in. I feel truly lost, I feel lost about my future, about my relationship, and the rest of my life. I'm finishing my second year of college, and we're suppose to have our life figured out and here I am standing in the midst waiting for an an answer. Sometimes the universe needs to give you a sign to tell you what to do. Even the purest form of happiness can be lost in the midst of the world. I'm preparing to start my life over again, by leaving for London in the fall and to be honest I hope its everything I expect, and everything I don't. I feel lost, lost in love. I question being with him forever. Will it truly bring me happiness after the roses have fallen? I wonder why I can't stop thinking about whether we're perfect. It's as though something is missing from my life. Something is making me feel empty. I just don