Believe In Time

      Well, another gloomy day consumes me. So, if you believe that everything hasn't gotten worse, it has. We got into a bit of trouble, but I'm not going to say more than that and now they have blocked me from even calling him on my phone, thank god for Skype! So we've been messaging through facebook and talking through Skype but, its still not the same as being able to call him without internet connection or just when I wake up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare. My life is simply becoming so boring and so empty I cannot even explain it in the words I type. I mean there's nothing I really want to do other than hide away in my room and not talk to anyone at all. They say they're trying to protect me, I don't believe it. I don't feel like I'm being "protected" I feel more like I'm being punished, punished for living and breathing. All I want to do is talk to him and be able to cuddle in his arms without a care in the world. ...

     Well another day, another new post. Its actually a brighter day, as the sun attempts to peek through the clouds. Forty-eight days to go, then I will finally taste freedom once again, the very word excites the tip of my tongue. This week will go by fairly quickly, I have two tests coming up: American government and Precalculus. Boring. But, the calculus test has kept me awake at night because the test is twenty percent of my grade, that's enough to make me faint. Today we had an english paper due, which I attempted to do thoroughly (and ended up hurting my eyes in the process). But, hopefully after this week I'll be able to catch up on sleep knowing that the stress of the week is over. Only to start it all again the next week. I can't even tell you how horrible it is to be home all the time with nothing to do except homework and watch the re-runs on television. I'm becoming bored with my own life, I just hope that I can convince my mother to un-ground...

    Another dull day, nothing stands out or even seems to catch my eye, as a girl whose always been fascinated by the world it couldn't appear more gray. The sky seems to have lost its blue and the gray clouds grow and just intensify the gloom. My whole life is filled with emptiness, utter emptiness, every breath I take just feels heavy and choking. I feel as though the air is thinning and soon I might loose consciousness of everything. And the saddest part is that I want it to happen I want to be so far into the darkness that I cannot feel anymore. All my life I've done my best to do everything I was expected to but, along the way I found someone, myself. I found myself, a girl who only wanted freedom and wanted explore every inch of the world. Now I stand a prisoner, cuffed in shackles that only bind me to my cruel punishment. I've learned the truth, it doesn't matter how much I do or how well my grades are it all doesn't matter- all that matters i...

Dreaming of Freedom      Well, here I am in physics class wanting to do nothing more than write, type all the thoughts that flow through my spirit and spill them on to these pages. Reveal all the secrets that I keep hidden in my heart. Well, my mother discovered that Tyler and I made love and is punishing me because of it. Forcing us to be unable to see each other, pay for tutoring, and be constantly tracked. I feel like I'm a deer trying to run from the hunter. And as the days go by I feel as though I'm slowly loosing my mind, I'm on complete lock down where the only things I can do are go to doctor's offices, work, school, and home. Its completely torturous, to the point where I've almost given up all hope completely and we almost broke up. But, through it all I know that even though the situation is difficult I will be twenty times as miserable if we weren't together. My mother has decided that I'm unfit to live life, because I love someone everything...

The second year is well into gear however, I find myself wondering how people find enjoyment in college because to be truthful this college lacks so much yet, I find myself attached to it. But, last night definitely hit me hard my best friend of 3 years told me she doesn't want to be my friend anymore calling me selfish claiming that I was holding her back and didn't want her to make new friends, and explained to me that she didn't want to be my friend since sophomore year which definitely hit deep. I'm sitting there wondering to myself, if you had an issue with me why didn't you just tell me? And as far as not wanting her to make other friends I have to disagree, I wanted to protect her from the people who made fun of her and talked badly about her behind her back those "friends" I wanted to protect her from, yes. But, I'm forced to look at the question why am I not more upset? When she told me that I was not upset as I expected to be, I just told...

So, the story of my life lately is not a very happy one. I'm in college now, a year earlier, I know I should be happy to be accepted. But, the truth is I couldn't be more miserable I've started to realize that home truly is where the heart is. I left school only to find that I miss it, I miss the pointless drama and the people who surrounded me, I miss the people who have broke down my wall. I've found college to be nothing but empty time and energy, unknown faces and hollow spaces. Right now the rain is pouring down onto the pavements it feels like the tears that run down my cheeks. Phone calls, skype, letters it doesn't make the difference any less. Its still another run down a path except your all alone. College can be filled with thousands of people but, the only difference is that everyone's following their own path, another world of their own. I wish a smiling face would cross my path rather than the twisters that surrond it, its as if I accidenta...

So, my grandmother was right that I'd have an epiphany in the middle of the night. I just can't will myself to sleep so here I sit on my laptop typing away at one in the morning. It actually clears my head, allowing me to say everything that has been running through my mind. One of my exs this week proclaimed he still had feelings for me however, when I denied any type of physical relationship he seemed upset, but I knew better.... or did I? When his lips touched mine its as if the whole world seemed to disappear and all the things that he said disappeared and I entered a whole new world entirely. So, as my mind begins to flood with what to do with the situation the next morning all my questions come to a halt he sends me a text message starting out by saying he's sorry but, he can't be with me because I am, "an enemy to most of the school". I respond simply by stating, "good." Which I meant to the fullest extent it helps me weed out the people who a...