Believe In Time

College. The words that determine the rest of your life. The words that run across your mind once you graduate high school. The words that make you think of parties and four more years of exams. However, this is the chance when you get to choose how you spend your days, what you learn right? At least that's the look I see on many freshman when they come to college, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed jumping at the opportunity to take a reign on their lives or you have those who are excited for the four years of partying that comes ahead, and finally you have those students who come in trailing behind their parent waiting for the tour to be over usually listening to music. These three type of students however, all fall into the same muddling and confusing first year of college, where all three take the same meaningless courses and after the year is over worry about what is next. This is the point where the education system comes in and molds you. In college, the choice is everything. ...

Tonight I want to talk about something that everyone knows but, no one truly ever says. What it is like to have people who don't understand you and punish you for being yourself. (Warning: this will be a bit rant-like). My "parents", if you could even call them that, have been punishing me for being myself for years. Even, after ten years I know there is no winning- when I speak I am in trouble and when I am silent I am in trouble. At the age of being close to adulthood this vexes me because as I get older the punishment only gets worse. There is just the point when you want to stop trying because it will never be good enough for anyone. But, then you step back and wonder why do you have to please everyone? What will they ever do for you? Sometimes I just want to scream out to the world that I don't want to be a follower, I want the chance to be creative and to make something of myself in my own fashion. It won't be perfect, it will be messy but, at least the oppo...

Do you ever feel completely lost? I feel as though the world is hold out my letter of rejection but, here I am trying to fight my way back in. I feel truly lost, I feel lost about my future, about my relationship, and the rest of my life. I'm finishing my second year of college, and we're suppose to have our life figured out and here I am standing in the midst waiting for an an answer. Sometimes the universe needs to give you a sign to tell you what to do. Even the purest form of happiness can be lost in the midst of the world. I'm preparing to start my life over again, by leaving for London in the fall and to be honest I hope its everything I expect, and everything I don't. I feel lost, lost in love. I question being with him forever. Will it truly bring me happiness after the roses have fallen? I wonder why I can't stop thinking about whether we're perfect. It's as though something is missing from my life. Something is making me feel empty. I just don...

As I wake up alone I find that neither the cool air flowing through the window, or the fan blowing at a gentle hum could comfort me. I am here alone; I attempt to read my book while in bed but, find myself engulfed with the somberness of the day. The papers that rest next to my desk are quickly flapping to the breeze, as if waiting to be blown away. The posters on the wall portraying happy celebrities only seem to personify the emptiness. My legs grow goose-flesh as I shiver, I reach for the telephone only to find it seems more chill than the breeze around me. My fingers stroke the keys desperate to make someone understand the torment of waking up with nothing, as if reality has disappeared through my fingers. And yet, I cannot seem to make myself leave the bed, that fills me with loneliness. The week will once again begin anew and yet here in the South the trees have not embraced their fall colors, and seem to be resisting the change from summer to fall. However, the wind seems all to...

So, today on my mind is how much I feel neglected. I feel as though my love forgot all about me. It's always not now, I'm busy, or I'm tired. It doesn't feel like it use to anymore. It makes me wonder if our love is still genuine. Is it still what it once was? Is it just because he's "busy" or am I simply being a fool by staying around waiting for it to change. I wake up today and realize I'm not the same girl I was yesterday, I wasn't the same girl I once was. I've loved, I've lost. I've done the unthinkable and rose up once again. I've been a teenager who yearned to hold onto her childhood, now I'm an adult thrust into the world which has filled me with emptiness and despair. I've held onto my love for him but is it time to let it go, leave it to the wind? This question keeps me up at night and makes me wonder if it should be left to the darkness of those nights long forgotten. As I watch the rain fall through my window pa...

It's only been a day so maybe it's a little to early to start making judgements, but I have to write down what I'm thinking. My roommate is a complete goody-goody, she pretty much has never done a bad thing in her life and follows all the rules. Just looking at her makes me think of me, what I'd be if I followed all the rules and did what everyone told me. And it scares me. I mean breaking the rules and going crazy, is just the way of life I feel- everyone lies, everyone makes mistakes but we should live while we have the chance. I mean seriously what kind of person doesn't live a little? Most people are holed up in their dorms playing on their xboxes, and the rest are moving in today. Most of today has been sitting in my room wondering what I should do the rest of the day. I thought college would be little more than this, classes start in a week. So hopefully better news is soon to come, hopefully the winds change blow away this storm. 

      Well, another gloomy day consumes me. So, if you believe that everything hasn't gotten worse, it has. We got into a bit of trouble, but I'm not going to say more than that and now they have blocked me from even calling him on my phone, thank god for Skype! So we've been messaging through facebook and talking through Skype but, its still not the same as being able to call him without internet connection or just when I wake up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare. My life is simply becoming so boring and so empty I cannot even explain it in the words I type. I mean there's nothing I really want to do other than hide away in my room and not talk to anyone at all. They say they're trying to protect me, I don't believe it. I don't feel like I'm being "protected" I feel more like I'm being punished, punished for living and breathing. All I want to do is talk to him and be able to cuddle in his arms without a care in the world. ...